Off the beaten track - Day not known.

Ahh, how do I start? Well, with my tail between my legs I think. I lost the plot over Christmas. I did intend to stick within the rules. I had hoped that some subconscious drive would keep me on the straight and narrow, but alas, my subconscious is all about the food! And it took over big time.

It started with my work night out. I was an absolute star with the food. Avoiding all bread and potatoes etc, sticking near enough to my allowed foods but then I had a glass of wine. And then the rest of the bottle - I think I may have had someone else's bottle too... It ended up very messy.

Along came Christmas dinner - and again, not too bad. I did have a bit of bread with the starter and then some pigs in blankets with dinner - but then I sort of forgot to stop. Along came the honey roasted peanuts, the pringles, the chocolates... the list goes on. And apart from cooking - which I seemed to be doing constantly, I did no exercise at all.

In an attempt to clear out the Christmas feast I then did two days of abstinence. This did help as it shifted a couple of pounds but no sooner had I returned back to my own flat - I had spent Christmas at the homestead - I made a pasta bake!!! I mean? What the hell was I thinking? I actually went to Tescos, bought all the ingredients, cooked and ate it. I then opened the chocolates that I had been given and plowed into them.

But it has to stop today. I am now 4lbs heavier than my last weigh in. It is only now 4lbs due to the couple of days on abstinence. It was 7lbs. I should be going to a weigh in tomorrow as my usual Tuesday one is on New Year's Day and therefore cancelled. But I can not face going just to record a weight gain. I don't want to blot my copy book. I can go in and be 1lb heavier, or stay the same - but no more than that. So I have until the 8th January to get with the programme, get to the gym and lose 4lbs.

I need a plan of action. Firstly I am going to the gym today. I am going to ignore every argument against it that my mind keeps throwing up in the same way I ignored every argument as I walked around tescos. I am going out for dinner tonight - but it will be sushi, so I will not eat today - by which I mean I will just stick to food packs, and I will just have sashimi tonight. I will have to drive so I will not drink.

Tomorrow - New Year's Eve. The one thing I didn't do over Christmas was drink. I had a glass of champagne to toast the event, and I had a glass of red wine on boxing day, but that was it. After my work night out I really couldn't be doing with it. Now, tomorrow could be rather awkward depending on who is at the party. But I have a choice... Do I drink to overcome the situation, or avoid drink entirely and quite possibly still have dignity by the end of the night! Hmm.. We'll see.

Essentially I think the gym has to become my new best friend. I need routine and structure. I also need to run a marathon to burn off yesterday's carb fest.

I am not sure what day I am on at the moment. I know I need to start back where I left off. Which I think was week five. But I want to shift the weight first - then work out where to start back. I have enough food packs to see me through to the next meeting.

I will also spend more time ctaching up with blogs and getting on the forum. I need the wisdom of others to pull me through!

Day Twenty Nine - RtM

Hello there!

It's been a while, but I have still been trudging on through the programme. Actually, that's not true. I have been mostly skipping happily through the programme. Time is flying! I am just about to start week five of route to management! This is fabulous as it means I will be able to enjoy a drink over Christmas.

My weight is still slowly going down. A pound last week and another pound this week. However, the novelty factor of keeping my food/mood diary has slipped away. This is not a good thing and I vow to keep it properly this week. Especially as this day next week is Christmas Day. I know that I will be ok in company but I fear that I will slip over a few times when I am alone. I am not going to beat myself up about it though. I will let the scales and my clothes be my judge and jury.

I would say that 90% of the time I am sticking to the whole programme with a little 10% buffer. As my weight is still slowly dropping I am not worried. I have had no massive eat up or major binge. Just the odd Gingerbread latte or chewy toffee.

I went to the meeting tonight and got some more bars. I do find them handy but I have not been having my two packs a day. I have replaced having the bars with eating fruit. I can be a bit of a faddy eater so I will probably get bored of fruit and will return to the packs.

Right, I am going to watch a man try to loose thirty stone now! A bit of inspiration.

Hope everyone is well and are all set for a Happy Christmas!

Day Twenty - RtM

Another slow start today. It is funny how I so crave the chance to have a weekend to myself and as soon as I get it I want nothing more than to be surrounded by friends and family.

I have just had breakfast/lunch. I made a bowl of quinoa with apple juice, diced apples and cinnamon. It is delicious. All the flavours and smells of christmas. I don't seem to have any connection with what it means to be full though. Or should I say - no longer hungry. I need to really make that a massive focus this week and make myself stop eating when I am no longer hungry.

I am going to see Billy Budd performed by the LSO tonight. It is all very odd as I bought the tickets to go with someone I no longer have any contact with. I have not spoken to this person in months and therefore have a spare ticket. The things is that most people have no interest in going to see it so, like my little trip to the opera last Thursday, I may well be going alone again.

I guess that is why I am on a bit of a downer - made worse by my time spent alone to ponder on it. One of my main reasons to lose weight was in order to be more confident to go out and meet someone. At 31 I am totally done with being single. Yet I continue to find myself thoroughly alone. Maybe I need to be more proactive - any ideas?

Day Nineteen - RtM

I have had a very, very lazy day today. I was so happy to see that the weather was so miserable which justified my keeping the curtains closed and the dvd box sets on rotation.

I'm not sure if I am doing the RtM correctly. I am keeping to the food lists - well, mostly. Without the structure of the food packs I am not sure if I am on the right road. I have a funny feeling that I have planned my own route this week.

So, where have I gone wrong? Firstly, I've been cooking the vegetables. Secondly, I have eaten some fruits and veg which are not on the week three list. Thirdly, I have been eating foods that I enjoy and like the taste of - and therefore probably more than I should. Take right now for example. I am not hungry at all. Yet I know what I have planned for dinner so I want to eat! This is what I have always been like. Not eating because I am hungry but because I love food - and enjoy the flavours.

Yesterday for example:

For breakfast I had some raspberries.

For lunch I had two clementines and an apple

For dinner I made a bolognaise with quinoa.

So - why is this wrong? Firstly - no foodpacks. Secondly I didn't bring any food into work so I ate what was on the table - the clementines and the apple. And finally because the bolognaise was so delicious, as was the quinoa, I ate more than I needed.

This is the first time I have tried quinoa so I thought I would experiment and make a breakfast version using an apple and apple juice. It was so delicious that I ate it for dessert. Now, that wasn't on plan. All the food choices were - but not the portions.

So this is why I think I have lost my way a little. I haven't planned everything out like I did in the first two weeks. So next week I will plan out my meals for the day to make sure I don't lose my way again.

Ahh, and I have been cheating slightly - well, actually, just cheating. A skinny gingerbread latte is not anywhere in the book - yet I have had three in the last two weeks. I also bought some chocolate toffees which I have been having a couple of each day. Not big binges just too much breaking of the rules.


My weight has stayed the same this week - no movement. But I guess that is the point of RtM. To maintain the lower weight you have achieved. It is just that when you get used to weeks and weeks of loosing weight every week you expect to see the scales moving. As I sit here I don't feel any different to how I did four months ago. I know the difference when I get ready to go out but at home, sitting in my pjs watching Xfactor there is no difference at all. I guess that's why the old food habits seem such an easy choice.

So - as for today.

Breakfast - Apple quinoa (all allowed - small portion)

Snack - 2 clementines

Lunch - Chocolate foodpack - as a shake

Afternoon - cup of tea.

Extras - a few chewing nuts (chocolate covered toffee things)


I am having the left overs of yesterday's dinner tonight for dinner.


I think I just need a lot more guidance and reassurance on this part of the programme. I really fell like I am just going it alone at the moment.

Day Fifteen - RtM

Man, raspberries, tomatoes and cherries taste so damn good. Think I must have been craving something in red foods!


Only 1lb down but right direction!

Day Twelve - RtM

So, 12 days down. It's not easy though. Having to be constantly thinking about food choices after the relative luxury of having no choice whatsoever. I'm constantly worried that I will go too far. Part of this anxiety is because I still want to continue loosing rather than just to maintain what I currently weigh. I am still glad that I decided not to stay in abstinence... I couldn't continue with the packs as a sole source of food.

I'm having a Saturday night in on the sofa so I stopped off at the supermarket and picked up some sugar free jelly so if I feel the need to snack I can without obsessing about what I can not have. I also need to have a couple more packs today. I reckon I'll have a big chocolate shake later. Yesterday I didn't manage to have all my food packs. Now that I am using my 'snack' as lunch and my dinner for dinner - I have a pack for breakfast but I don't always get around to having two more during the day. This is especially the case if I go out in the evening.

I've still not been out for sushi! This is shocking because I have been obsessing about sushi since August. AND it is SO ok for me to have sashimi. I am assuming that wasabi will be ok and I know that soy sauce is fine. I may get up and go for some Christmas shopping tomorrow and enjoy some sushi for lunch. Or I may sleep. Sleep is good.

I'm not really focused at the moment - think I'll sign off!

Day Eight - RtM

So, one week down. Phew. And lots more delicious foods to add to the fridge. I am too tired to give it much thought at the moment but tomorrow I will sort it all out. Delicious!

Good news - after a few weeks of stable weight - I lost 3lbs this week. Hurrah.

Day Six - RtM

This isn't quite what I thought it would be. I am not having a good day. I don't get why my head is so over the place. Well, I didn't get it so I went in search of inspiration or solace - I found Cerulean's blog and read that. It made me feel a little bit better and a little more normal.

The thing is, I really have not done anything wrong. Well, the most I have done wrong this week is have two bars one day. But I feel like I am failing. I feel like I am getting it all wrong. I am religiously keeping my food and mood diary and although I couldn't think why a couple of days ago I can see why now. In fact I think I should get a bigger book. Most of the time - and given that three of the meals a day are food packs - I can't say much more than 'I felt fine' an hour before and 'fine still' an hour after. But today I went a bit crazy.

I decided to roast a chicken today so I could have chicken for the next three days.


........... You, know, this blog bloody helps as I have just had numerous light bulbs go off in my head it is ridiculous...........

I got up at 5am to take my aunt and cousins over to Stansted for my aunt's funeral. I can not go as I don't want to ask for more time off after going a week ago to sit and watch the most horrendous thing I have ever seen. No more detail needed. But I do not think I have processed it all yet. I feel so bad that I am not going. All my family and cousins have gone over. Except my brother but he is in New York so it is harder for him. Leaving them at the airport and me not going makes me feel really quite sick.

I then picked up my best friend to take him to the airport. He is off to Brazil for a couple of weeks - I will miss him not being here. He is on a very nervous trip too and a lot depends on this trip. I am also worried about that.

But... I am one of those people who shelves everything. I don't ever deal with things that emotionally upset me. So it is starting to sink in why I have been so off all day.

I came home from the first airport drop off at half seven this morning and started chopping garlic and herbs to stuff the chicken. I did a load of washing and then had to rush off to do the next airport drop off.

I then came home and spent an hour looking up recipes for, and then making turkey burgers.

After I had roasted the chicken - I took it out to cool and then began to take all the skin off and remove the meat to set aside for my meals. I 'tried' a bit of the chicken. Then tried a bit more and a bit more. The thing is I could only have eaten about one thigh and maybe a leg of chicken in total - without the skin, before I panicked and covered everything up and went to my computer to plan lessons for this week. I didn't have dinner as planned as I had eaten all the chicken I was 'allowed' for the day.

Beyond that I have had a food pack for breakfast, one this afternoon and a bar this evening. So - as I said - I haven't actually eaten more than I should. But the fact that I stood eating straight from the carcass in some kind of crazed meat stupor has made me really angry.

It is only in writing this that I can begin to relate my actions to my emotional state. I was so busy suppressing the emotion and not even allowing myself to acknowledge that I might be upset that I kept myself busy and then tried to stuff food down on top of the upset to quieten it further.

I have then spent the day projecting my anxiety and upset all on the food when I am probably more upset about the funeral and not being there.

But where does that leave me?

1. I must realise that I HAVE stuck to the program today.
2. I have only had 3 food packs (allowed) and some skinless chicken (allowed).
3. I have drunk three litres of water - good.
4. I have helped my aunt and cousins this morning by taking them to the airport making the trip a little easier for them.
5. I helped my friend by taking him to the airport.
6. I did not eat all the chicken - I wrapped it up and put it away.
7. I did not eat anything off plan.
8. It is ok to be upset about not going to Ireland.
9. I have been there - me being there did help whilst I was there. People will understand me not going this time.
10. I must sleep -- lack of sleep makes things worse.


So there we are. Man, that was some Epiphany. And a lot cheaper than therapy. Go me! Just got to read through those ten items a few times so I can go to bed happier.

Also, I must freeze the turkey burgers as I will not be able to have them this week. I have enough chicken for the next two days at least and the burgers will go off if they are not frozen.

So week one of RtM is a bumpy ride. The scales have yet again not budged. My weight appears to be the most stable thing around here!

Day Ninety Nine

.... but day one of Route To Management ....

I didn't enjoy the meeting today. Not only did they not have any chocolate packs or new style bars, in fact only old style nut bars, but I felt really lost. Everyone is at different stages and talking about completely different experiences. I sat very quietly wanting just to know what I am going to do this week. Finally we were given the new books (one other girl has moved over with me). I couldn't wait to get home and start reading.

Having been so disappointed by the total lack of any packs I like and the fact that I had only had three packs so far I decided to make today day 1. I went to Waitrose and bought a chicken breast. I came home and covered it in salt and pepper and cooked it on the George Forman. I laid the table, first time in months and made a meal of it. It was so moist and delicious. Way better than I had thought it would. I really thought that I would be disappointed by the taste but I loved it and was not bothered by the lack of anything else on the plate. I ate very slowly and enjoyed every bite. I must say that I did eat the whole breast but it wasn't particularly big.
I even enjoyed cleaning and washing up after. Just for the novelty.

I then sat and read through week one of the book and planned out what I would eat this week. I then made up a shopping list which I will go tomorrow and purchase. How exciting!!!

I am meant to be going out for dinner on Thursday evening, well it is a jazz club and it is seated at dinner tables so food is not the main focus. I don't know whether I should go though. It could be too easy to break the rules and at this stage I want more control rather than less. What to do... What to do...

I did something very odd this evening too. I have been having cravings over many many things over the last three months but most recently it was Cheese and Onion crisps. Particularly Taytos from Ireland as I saw them there. When I was walking around Waitrose this evening I bought some. Honest to God, bought a packet of crisps. I haven't eaten them. They are just sitting in the kitchen. I am shocked how easy it was to just buy them. Not that they are a banned substance or anything but I didn't think I would manage to just buy them without stopping myself.

Hmm. Need to think about that one a bit more.

Day Ninety Eight

So, I am back after a most horrible few days. I feel utterly drained and exhausted but have work in the morning.

Food wise, however, for that is what this is for, I managed to stick only to my packs and bars. Although tiredness, emotional wretchedness and a constant unrelenting supply of snacks were giving me many reasons to eat, I did not. I couldn't help but think that if I could get through that without turning to food then I can get through anything. I must remember this lesson - and learn it well.

At one point, when I was feeling totally exhausted, cold and in need of something to stop me from feeling sick I hovered over a slice of soda bread and a banana. I knew it had everything I needed to make me feel better and seemed like a good, balanced, healthy choice. I then was explaining to my mum that if I could justify why I should eat this it would not be a big step before I would be able to justify why I needed the bread with jam, and then how a biscuit would be fine too. But the truth of the matter was that I really needed to go to bed and get some sleep.

I also realised something else. When we were in the hotel over the road getting dinner, as we did each da (I ate a bar), I looked through the menu. I knew for a fact that if I was to choose what I wanted to eat I would not make a 'good' choice. I wanted the steak sandwich with chips, or the spring rolls with chilli dip, or the spicy chicken wings. Not one part of me wanted any of the healthier options. This was important as I am going to my first Route To Management meetings tomorrow night. I need food to be introduced slowly. I need to make choices from a very limited list of foods. Without these boundaries I am going to put a lot of weight on very fast.

Although I have read the blogs and threads on minimins I am still not sure how this is all going to work for me. Tomorrow is Day 99 and Wednesday is Day 100 - but do I start eating tomorrow or wait til Thursday? I guess it'll be up to me. I am going out on Thursday night and will be eating - not a lot and within the boundaries - well, maybe slightly over them, and I think I will have preferred to have experimented with eating at home first. So a couple of days eating slowly and getting to grips with things at home would be a good idea.

I have lost a few more pounds according to my scales this week and I hope it shows tomorrow at the meeting. I want to get down to a BMI of 25 but I am happy with the way I look in my clothes now.

So, I will post again tomorrow after the meeting.

Day Ninety Three

So, sad news today. I am off to a funeral in Ireland. I am leaving tomorrow and will be back on Monday evening. I have not been to Ireland since my Grandmother's funeral which was ten years ago. I feel horribly guilty but I am glad that I have made the decision to join my parents. My Headteacher was great - there really was no problem with me going. At least that is a stress out of the way.

My family really are the traditional - "Ah, you will, go on with ya, you will, you are hungry, you must eat something..' types. So, the foodpacks should be fun! I don't want to find myself in a situation where I am making a scene but I reckon I should be able to just avoid the whole food issue all together.

I've packed my bag and will go into work tomorrow morning just to chase up a few unruly children. I will then pick up my parents and my aunt and go to Stanstead.


I am dreading all of this.

Day Ninety One

Week 14 meeting!

Another 3lbs down. Not bad. AND........ our last meeting in Foundation. After a lot of thought I have decided to go straight into Route to Management. The LLC is quite happy with my choice and although she tried to talk another member of the group into going into Development she seemed to see that I had reasoned out my choice.

Now, I know I still have at least 10lbs left to loose. And I know all the arguments about not going into management until you have lost all the weight you want to lose - but I know I am doing the right thing for me. I may change my mind, I will probably make mistakes but right now this is the right thing for me.

So. Another week of abstinence, complete abstinence and then a new meeting next week. From now on my meetings will be on at a Tuesday at 7.15pm. So I have decided that I will pack my gym bag. Go straight from work to the gym and then to my meeting. It'll be much better than going home first. Hurrah!

Feeling very positive about this - hope it lasts!

Day Eighty Five

So, I am in a desperate search of a pattern...

Losses:

Week 1: -9lb
Week 2: -4lb
Week 3: -1lb
Week 4: -2lb
Week 5: -4lb
Week 6: -6lb
Week 7: -3lb
Week 8: -3lb
Week 9: -3lb
Week 10: -2lb
Week 11: -4lb
Week 12: -2lb
Week 13: -1lb

Ok - Can't spot it...

So...

Wk1-Wk4: 16lb
Wk5-Wk8: 16lb
Wk9-Wk12: 11lb


So... The way I see it something isn't right. My LLC keeps saying that the weight loss is constant even if it doesn't show up as being so. By my estimation week 13 should have shown a bigger loss to make up for a slower previous 4 weeks. I have done nothing different for the last 13 weeks. I thought it might be that getting closer to goal could affect it but again the LLC said that is not the case. I'm getting annoyed. Particularly when I read how other people are falling off the wagon, or down right just eating and they are still losing more than me.

Hmmm. Feeling very cheated today. To retaliate I got up at quarter to six this morning and went for a run before getting ready for work. I figured I'd do that on top of usual activity this week to see if it helps. I wish I could put it down to TOTM - but as I have PCOS that is not possible, or at least not predictable.


Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Day Eighty Four

1lb.. So, no longer need to have a question over the whole Development vs Management argument. At this rate of loss it has to be Development. In fact at this rate I'll not hit goal til next summer!

But, it's a blip, right? I'll lose loads more next week.

Jeez.

Day Seventy Seven

Ok, So I really wanted to lose 4lbs to get to the three stone loss mark. So I was overjoyed when, according to my scales - and just out of bed, before having a shower - I had made it Hurrah! Sadly the official weigh in showed a two pound loss. But a loss is good. Real good.

Talk tonight was all about what we were doing next.... The fill in LLC said - "Well next week is your last week and then we say goodbye and you decide whether to go into development or Management." Hang On.. I thought... Hang On one cotton picking second... This is day 77... according to my seven times table that makes next week day 84. So what gives?

She then went on to ask what I would like to do next. I have been pondering this very thing, and very kindly Mrs L has given some excellent advice. Now the thing is, I have never craved or really wanted to be skinny or even slim - just not fat. However the LLC seems to think that is what I want. I said I was happy to go into management at the end of the 100 days - she then spent a good ten minutes telling me that a) I should go into development and stay abstinent and, in the same breath, b) not to let other people tell me when I should eat/not eat! Now, is it just me or is that a tiny bit hypocritical?

I have also been talking to my friend about it, just now in fact. His analogy was about going for milk. When you are already out in the evening, he said, it is easier to walk that extra 15 mins and get the milk there and then, than having to get up and out in the morning and get it. Clear? Hmm.. But, yes. Maybe I should just keep walking that 15 minutes - or however many weeks it may take, than having to metaphorically get up in the morning and decide that I did want that milk after all. So much to think about.

In the back of my head I have decided that I will stick out the 100 days and make a decision then. In other news two black jumper dresses arrived in the post from asos.com today. They look great! Now I just need to be brave enough to wear a dress out! I am going to see Rufus Wainwright for the thousandth time on Wednesday - maybe I'll wear one of them then!


Ah, it is late and I have not got the car ready for it's service tomorrow. But I will set the alarm....

...I'll tidy up the rooms
And turn the covers down, and gazing at the moon
Will pray to go quite mad.....

Thank you Ms Ian.

Day Seventy Five

Oooooh, not long now!

So, it's Saturday morning and I am here on the sofa watching Saturday Kitchen. I can not get enough of Food Porn. I should be heading off to the gym - I Will be heading off to the gym but I am meeting a friend in there after she has done her tutoring so I am doing the laundry instead - ahh domesticity!

I feel rather content at the moment. I've just had half term so I have had the chance to get away from London a couple of times and chill out. Went for a nice walk up a hill in Wiltshire to see the White Horse and have had nice lie-ins. I couldn't sleep last night so I cleaned out all of my cupboards in the kitchen. I decided not to throw much stuff out. As a singleton living alone in London I, like many, have pretty empty cupboards anyway. I was always a M&S ready meal kind of girl. Which is ironic because I actually really love to cook. I have a shelf of herbs and spices, a shelf of tinned tomatoes and beans of various kinds and then a carb shelf at the top. I will eventually be eating pasta and rice again so I am loathed to just throw it out and waste it.
That's pretty much it. The fridge is funnier. Four bottles of lager, Three bottles of Raspberry beer, Two bottles of white wine and a bottle of champagne! Ahh, a glimpse at my former life.


I turn 31 on Wednesday. Without going into detail I kind of F**ked up quite royally when I turned thirty. In a confused haze of self belief and being utterly besotted with the wrong person I had a bit of a shi**y time. I dropped three stone, hated myself and was pretty darn miserable. Fortunately I have one of the greatest groups of friends available who were, and are, totally wonderful and forgiving. Coming out the other side of it all I just thought 'sod it' and went back to a comfort zone as a way of making myself feel better. Of course that didn't work. So I intend to do things better this time around.


I am desperate to loose 4lbs this week. 4lbs will mean that I have lost three stone. It will be a great mile stone and perfect birthday present. But it is in the laps of the gods. It is very odd how you don't really feel control over your weight loss on LL. I can't 'cut-back' - or choose a lighter option. So - the gym it is instead. I have definitely been more active this week and I hope it has a positive effect.

I have slightly adjusted my goal weight. I wanted to get to ten stone - well, I randomly picked ten stone but I have decided, now that I am closer to the prize, that I will aim for ten and a half. I then want to try to stay between 10 and 11 stone as I work through the RtM part of the programme.

So, a blooody long post - sorry if you have trudged through my swampy brain. But it is cathartic to get it all out. Especially as I am sick of sounding like a diet bore with my friends.

Day Seventy

Not long now. Only thirty days to go. Another 4lbs down tonight, and only 4 more to go until I have lost 3 stone. So it's all good. I'm not finding the meetings of any use. It seems as if a lot of the ideas a nd 'tools' we are discussing are redundant at the moment and will be far more useful when food is reintroduced. I get the idea that we should be learning how to use them now so we can implement them later but it does not work for me. I guess I learn better in context.


It's half term this week so I have had a nice day. I went and had my hair done this morning and then spent the afternoon doing laundry and watching QVC! Lovely. I really want to go shopping. I was excited about managing to fit into size 14 last week but now it is a pain that my size 16s do not fit. I need to get more clothes! Maybe another pair of cheap jeans from New Look maybe called for. Maybe.

So, seven more days. Some delicious bars and a whole shed load of chocolate food packs to get through.

Day Sixty Six

I'm not utterly sure why things are going so slow. The scales are just not shifting. I guess it's because I want to be loosing half a stone a week and that's just a phenomenon that is not going to happen. I've actually been more active in the last few weeks then I have been in a long time. I hoped that the increase in activity would reflect in the scales.

It seems as if two - three pounds a week is all I can expect from now on. I wish I could put it down to TOTM but as I have PCOS I've never had a reliable TOTM. I can go for three years without any sign. Yep, three years. I was hoping that with the weight loss I might begin to get a cycle but that does not appear to be happening. I would love to be proved wrong. Most of the websites I have read suggest that a healthy weight will cause the signs and symptoms of PCOS to go away. I really do hope so.

Despite the lack of movement in the scales I was totally decked out in size 14 today. This is amazing for me. So it is odd that I am still so obsessed with the numbers. I think this may be because I am focusing on the healthy BMI. I want to get below 11 stone. And that means the numbers on the scales must go down.

I couldn't be more tired at the moment. I am still feeling run down - despite the uplifting effect of the shopping trip. Could this be a reason for holding on to water? I'm drinking loads to try to wash out any germs as I can feel them collecting and forming plans in my throat. I'm going away for the weekend for lots of fresh air and sleep. And it is also half term this week so I intend to catch up on sleep and leaf kicking.


It seems to be pretty quiet on here at the moment. I hope you are all well and sticking with it!

Day Sixty Three

Well, I am feeling much better today. It was a really hectic day but enjoyable in the main. I did feel run down all day - it feels like I have given a couple of pints of blood away. However as I went to weigh in and left without staying for the meeting I felt better straight away. I am not so much dreading another week of LL, or the weigh in - it was really the meeting that I had really begun to dread.

I was going to go home to bed but instead I drove up to the Brookfield Centre. It is a few stores out of town. I wanted to just try on some clothes. Deciding that I would buy myself some size 14 jeans so I would have something that I could try on and see that I was getting smaller, I went into Next. I found a really lovely pair of jeans - nervously took the size 14s into the changing room. And lo and behold they did up absolutely fine - comfortable fit! I was shocked. I have always traditionally complained about Next sizes but obviously I was always wrong! I decided not to buy them though. I only bought a pair of size 16 a few weeks ago and they are already loose. So I think I will wait for a few more weeks and then try on the size 12s! I can not believe that that would even be an option for me!

I was really down yesterday because I was focusing on how hard off I was and how everyone else could munch away but I couldn't. I knew that I needed to concentrate on why I was doing this and how bloody far I have come. The therapy I gave myself this evening was far better than any session could have done for me. I did buy a cheaper pair of size 14s from New Look and a lovely size 14 shirt from Autograph at M&S. I then sat and had a coffee and read a magazine. Bliss.

As you can see from the ticker chart below I am exactly half way to goal weight. I picked my goal almost at random when I begun. I chose 10 stone as it seemed like a good round number. My main target however is to have a healthy BMI. And that is my real focus. So I really want to get below 11 stone. At the moment though the mini target is to get below 12 stone. I want to be in the 11s by my birthday. That's 16 days away. Just over two weeks to loose half a stone. Should be possible but I only lost 2lbs this week. Fingers crossed.

Day Sixty Two

Huurumph.

I just feel like crying all the time. I really want to be done now. I'm having a constant, unrelenting battle between an emotional and intellectual reaction to this whole experience.

I guess LL would put it in terms of my child and my adult. My child is focused on the end. Waiting for the end like a child waiting for their birthday or Christmas. But then if you knew me then you'd know that I am always counting the days to my birthday (16 days) and Christmas (70 days). But I'm not excited.

I need to focus on the reward. At the moment this feels like a constant trial. I keep thinking about the bad side of everything and not on the fact that I'll be slimmer. Which is the only reason I am doing this. I guess it's because I fear failure. What if I do this and then end up slipping into old habits and slowly putting it back on again? That's what I've always done. But in the meantime I just want to taste food. I am sick and tired of foodpacks. I've not once eaten anything against the rules. At the moment I wish I had, have or will. Crooked Thinking, I hear you cry.

The only good part in all of this is that my adult is in full control over what passes the lips and however hard it is dealing with the emotions I still don't see a point when I'll 'cheat'. Although... I did realise that, being a Catholic and having been at Mass a few times I have received a hosts - but not even I am obsessed enough to consider this a fault.

It is the weigh in tomorrow. If the locum LLC is still running it then I will not stay for the meeting. This will be the first one I have missed. For the last three sessions she has repeatedly made me angry, upset and eager to eat in a reaction to her inane, ill considered and horrendously under prepared sessions. She is good friends with our LLC and usually just does the money taking and weigh in so I am not sure how the usual LLC will react if I tell her how I feel about the last three sessions. However, we are paying a lot for the counselling and not just to listen to someone who wants to project her own personal issues and neurosis onto us.

Thirty Eight Days and counting.

Day Fifty Six

3lbs down...

Day Fifty Four

So in terms of days I have passed the half way point. And I worked out today that I am five pounds away from reaching the half way point in terms of my goal weight.

I've spent this morning being very lazy. I promised myself a lie-in today as long as the weather was bad and fortunately, although it started good, it has got pretty grey and cold this afternoon. I'm still in a mixed mood about the whole diet. I am definitely getting slimmer. I can see it in my body and feel it in my clothes. And I am happy when I see the results but otherwise I am finding it all very hard work. Part of me keeps reminding myself that it's not long now and I can certainly do it and the other half just wants to be normal and eat normal food. I think I am certain that I will want to enter management when the 100 days are over. I have read the cautionary tales of 'loosing a bit more before you reintroduce food' but I don't think I will do that. I have been giving it a lot of thought as my friend who I am doing this with feels as if she will definitely need to go into development after.

Part of these disordered thoughts may be down to the fact that a few of my friends are currently dong the Cambridge Diet. Both of them only had a very small amount to lose and therefore only did sole source for 1 or 2 weeks. It's making 46 days seem a very long time. But then I had a lot more to loose than them. So my current thinking is 100 days limit. I will get to that point. I will enter management and open that can of worms.

I still have not had one illegal item. Not even a bit of lemon in water. Nothing. But I don't feel particularly virtuous. I feel more like a indoctrinated cult member. I know I won't eat in more of an 'absolutely terrified of what might happen' kind of way. I'm becoming a little too obsessed with it all.

I'm off out tonight to a Pirate themed Murder Mystery night. It sounds really quite ridiculous but I am sure it will be a laugh. I have my costume ready but sadly no parrot. So it is sparkling water and thigh slapping for me this eve!

And back to my original point. I'm pretty much half way there. The point at which I have folded on every diet I have ever done. This is the weakest point for me. I know it. For years I have never got past this point. I wish I'd listened a bit more in psychology class. I wish my subconscious brain would kindly step up and tell me why it does not want me to go any further than this. And a few words from my conscious brain on why it won't let me deviate from the plan. And finally, seeing they spend so much time cooped up in my brain together - why in God's name do they not have a little chat with each other and let me get on with my day!




Arrrrrrrrrr.

Day Forty Nine

So, another 3lbs down this week. It is good news as this makes just over 2 stone.

I found the meeting to be frustrating, angering and making me want to go out and eat. The fill in LLC annoys me and I find the sessions useless. Fortunately me and my friend sat in the car and had our own session which helped so much. I had almost decided entirely that I was going home to eat my much lusted after baked potato, but Jen talked me down. Thank God.

So, half way through and 2 stone down. That's very good news.

Day Forty Two

So a reassuring 6lb loss this week. It's amazing the impact that a lower number can have. As I posted on minimins I have been experiencing the increases in energy this week. As a result I have been ikea-ing my flat up a treat. I took out all the clothes in my wardrobe recently and created a very large pile of clothes that I can no longer wear. Fortunately my friend cam around last night and took many of them off my hands.

The days and weeks are flying past at the moment. Partly as I am back at school. The weeks have such a fixed structure that I barely have time to think and it's the weekend again. As I have been going down to visit my parents for the last few weekends I found it quite hard to be without a plan this weekend. I opted for a double "comedy" bill at the cinema on Friday - Run Fatboy Run followed by Superbad. I don't suggest you go and see either. Both were substandard. If you have any better suggestions I am looking for more films to see.

I spent all of Saturday at Bluewater. A lovely day, the only downside being the moment I had to walk by Yo Sushi. I LOVE Yo Sushi and can not wait til I can have salmon again. I am really looking forward to that meal! In the evening I found I had nothing to do so ended up having a bath and reading my book. A tad boring but relaxing all the same. On Sunday I spent the day with my Sister and her two boys. It was great as I do not get to see them all that often.


So, all in all a more positive me. And a smaller me. I can not help but think of the time I get to eat again! I still have three more stone to lose which is a long way to go. I am worried that it is just too much to lose in Foundation but I am not looking forward to the idea of not eating for longer than 100 days. I tried to explain to the Locum LLC today. She said that I was not to Love Food. I had to explain that I did. I love food. I love ingredients, I love cooking, I love tasting new things. When the abstinence part of the diet comes to an end I look forward to eating again. I'm also looking forward to not feeling the need to eat more than I actually want. I'm looking forward to not stuffing myself because it is there and I am looking forward to not looking as I did when I decided to start this.

Only 58 days to go....

Day Thirty Seven

I'm finding it hard to blog at the moment. I am still reading others but can't seem to get my thoughts sufficiently together to put them down.

I am still sticking with it, still not eating - still following the programme. I think the 1lb and then 2lb loss got to me quite a lot. Especially when I read of other peoples 6,7 and 8lb losses each week. I can justify it all and have every argument in my arsenal but it still annoys me. This week's loss was better but I feel now that I am in catch up - trying to get back on target.

I really shouldn't be upset, my clothes are fitting better - I really think I do look better. I just don't feel much better. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that I am not going out much or seeing my friends. I've not seen or spoken to my best friend in weeks, apart from the odd text. I'm not very good in my own company and as I live alone once I get home in the evening I do not speak to anyone.

Gah. Too much complaining. I used to joke with my friend - wouldn't it be awful to lose all the weight and just discover that you're ugly. However, now I'm thinking, what happens when you lose all the weight and you're still not happy.

Well, only 63 days to go. Only.

Day Thirty Five

So, that's a bit better. 4lbs down this week, which makes 20 lbs in five weeks. Turned out to be TOTM last week which could explain how slow things were moving. I really do hope for a similar loss next week. On another good note I now fit into the size 16 clothes that have been hanging in the wardrobe. Hurrah!

Day Twenty Eight

So, not happy. 2lbs down. That's three in 2 weeks.

Day Twenty Seven

So, I have been quite absent this week. It was the first week back at school so I was never in the mood to write when I got home. I have still been keeping up with all my other favourite blogs. Today I have been looking back at other people's fourth week - just to see how they were feeling at this time.

I feel hungry a lot of the time. Not in a 'I want to binge' way - I would just kill for a bit of chicken, or a plain jacket potato. I'm finding it hard as the scales are still not budging. I guess I am not meant to be enjoying this - and I can not wait for it to be over. I know that if I was seeing the 3.5lb a week loss I could see I was getting somewhere but in order for that to be true I would have to loose 6lbs this week. That is not going to happen - at least according to my scales. So I start thinking - there has to be a better way. The only reason for doing this drastic diet is because of the drastic weight loss. Having been told that the first week is just glycogen, that makes 5lbs over three weeks so far. That is a slow weight loss, right?

I've still been sticking to my goals. I've had all four packs every day and have drunk at least four litres but usual between 5 and 6. I have also been going to the gym and doing both the cardio stuff as well as some toning machines. I certainly have not been piling on 6lbs of muscle - so I am not accepting that as a reason for no movement on the scales.

So, end of tether, awaiting weigh in tomorrow. And tonight I am going out for 'dinner' for a friend's birthday. Well, I am going about an hour late so I miss the food. I'm not alone at least. My friends Jen is also doing this and also going to dinner, late, with me. I'm looking forward to chatting to her about my crisis of confidence.

I think you can see that I am frustrated but hoping that I'll be returning with great news tomorrow.

Day Twenty One

Ok... So only one pound down. But that makes a stone in three weeks.

Letter To Myself

Letter to Myself – Lighter Life Week Three

Dear Liz,

Firstly, well done. Three weeks without real food and you have not once given in to any temptation. That is not easy and you have done it. I know your competitive streak is keeping you going at the moment but soon you will need to stop seeing this as a battle with yourself but as a re-education of your relationship with food.

So, why? Why has it come to this? Well, you know you have tried to diet many times before. And you did well, on every occasion – so what happened? Why did you sabotage all the months of hard work, specialist diets, measuring portions and back breaking gym sessions? I guess it is because you never really learned the lesson. You knew how to get weight off but then ‘normal’ life steps back in and you went back to old habits. So, that, Liz, is why you have chosen Lighter Life. You want it to be different this time.

I want you to loose the excess weight by sticking to the abstinence program, drinking the water and going to the gym a minimum of three times a week. You have done it so far – keep it up. I promise to help you by keeping focussed, motivated and reminding you of the goal.

Liz’s Goals

1. Stick to the Lighter Life Programme to the letter even when the scales refuse to budge.
2. Integrate more activity into daily life in addition to the gym. You can do this by walking more when the opportunity arises.
3. Remain positive. This will work.

Finally, good luck. Listen carefully in the meetings. Think deeply about the advice given. Act upon the advice and do not resist making changes to your life. Don’t allow yourself to become distracted and prioritise other things. You are now busy on Mondays. Everyone else will have to deal with that.

Day Eighteen

Today has been an odd day. I had a nightmare morning with washing machines, bastard delivery men, trying to single handedly manoeuvre two washing machines around my tiny flat and some rather scary amateur plumbing. Still don't think I've done it properly but I haven't been swept away on a tidal wave as of yet. One thing I did learn - it is not this sort of stress that turns me to food. At no point did I consider eating or lust over a snack pile. I couldn't even drink my water as I had turned the water off to the flat therefore there were severely limited toilet facilities. So, all in all it was a pretty shit morning - but I have now managed to disconnect and connect a washing machine - so Yay Me!

This evening then I had part three of the very frustrating Broadband and Wireless connection at my aunt's house. I have a rather stupid idea that I can do anything - so when someone asks if I would be able to do something I always work on the idea of 'Well, it can't be that hard, right?'. Hmm. But they can now take their laptops wherever they please and still check facebook. So. Yay.

As for my goals. Well, I'm up this late trying to drink more water before bed. Just hit 4 litres but trying to get a bit more down me. Number Two: Hmm, I've had three packs. So a fail. I can't have anymore - just the thought makes me nauseous. This is down to my morning being so hectic that I didn't consider food for a minute. And finally number three: Exercise. Well, I have to count the dance of the washing machines as a bloody hard work out. Certainly worked up as much of a sweat as I would at the gym! But overall not good. Must Try Harder.


One question... Bruising. I don't bruise. I bash into things all the time, especially at school where the desks are that perfect mid-thigh point! But I never bruise. So I was a little surprised to discover a big bruise on my arm this morning. I certainly didn't bash it hard enough to register when I did it - but it doesn't look good. I saw a thread on minimins about it and the use of vitamin K. Now, I'm not going to get too excited about one bruise but if it continues I will. Has anybody else found this? What did you decided to do about it?

Night for now. At least I can catch up on all the laundry that has been piling up since the explosion last week.

Day Seventeen

Caramel sure is unpopular! Thank you all for the comments. I really think that the blogs and, most importantly, the fellow bloggers is the most crucial crutch in the whole Lighter Life program. I keep looking through blogs and seeing how people felt when they were at the same stage. Knowing that you all got through it gives me more reasons to stick with it.

I have noticed something quite worrying this week. I always knew that my entire social life revolved around going out to eat or drink but I am starting to notice that now I don't really have a social life. I think this is just made worse because I'm not at work at the moment. Next week when normal life resumes I will probably be happy to sit at home alone for the evening. At the moment I am not.

However, on the goal front things are still looking good...

Goal 1: All four packs consumed. Hurrah.
Goal 2: I'm on about three litres at the moment but I will drink at least one and a half before I retire.
Goal 3: Went to the gym again today. Just did the machines rather than a class but it is all good.


I am getting a lot of food cravings. I seem to have some kind of heightened sense of smell and want all of it. I keep trying to explain to myself (as advised by our LLC) that if I want it I can have it. No one is stopping me from eating it, but I am choosing not to. That whole Adult self thing. I seem to be convincing myself at the moment and really really want to be slim for Christmas. More than I want the chips. Although, I do want those chips. I am proud to say that not one illegal item has passed my lips. Only 83 days to go. Only? Jeeez.

Day Sixteen - Progress

Goal One: All four packs eaten. I made a banana muffin for breakfast and had it with a cup of black coffee. At lunchtime I had a banana shake and a nut crunch bar later in the afternoon. This evening I had a caramel shake - which actually made me gag and I had to force it down. Hmm. Not pleasant. May need to opt for hot chocolate instead.

Goal Two: I have probably drunk closer to six litres today. Mainly because I had the fridge stocked with fancy sparkling water. Delicious.

Goal Three: The Gym. I had the swim this morning, Half an hour on the cross trainer and then Pilates. Not that I am counting this as three visits. Promise. Don't think I'll get there tomorrow but I'll still have three more days to make two more vists. Easy. hmmm.


I'm looking forward to all my books arriving tomorrow. Although I have to go to work so will not get much reading time in. Early nights for me. Talking of which I must get back in to term time sleeping habits.

Good Night. x

Day Sixteen

Day 16, eh? They sure are clocking up. I'm feeling good today. I was pretty productive this morning and even went to the gym for a swim. Just having my lunchtime shake now and suckling on my water bottle.

I decided to set myself some goals this week. I working on the assumption of 'If I can keep them for one week, then I can keep them for two etc..'. So..

1. I will consumer four packs everyday.

Now I thought this would never be something I would have to try to do. I honestly thought that I would be trying to sneak in an extra one rather than trying to have four. Turns out I was wrong and given that these are the only nutrients I am getting I had better put that right.

2. I will drink 5 litres of water a day.

I had thought that the drinking of water would be hard as I never really drank water at all. Even when on holiday a few weeks ago - in the blazing sun - I still didn't drink it. I have got better and I can manage 4 now without a problem. I have read on many blogs and forums that drinking more water helps speed up weight loss so I am going to aim for five.

3. I will go to the gym at least three times this week.

I am a member of a REALLY nice gym. God knows why I don't go often. I think I am a little scared of it. Last summer I got into a really good habit and went very regularly then the new year came and I kind of gave up. So, back to the gym I go. I went swimming this morning and as I want to go back to Pilates I booked into that class too. Unfortunately it is on today at half six, so not really the paced out visits I meant. But I will go three times this week. At least.


My main reason for this is that I am very aware that the weight loss will probably slow down after the first couple of weeks so I want to help it out. Also, I will be back to school next week so I will not have the same sort of time to sit and think about myself. When other things get in the way I start to take short cuts and easy options, so if I can set up some good habits now I will try to keep them for.. well, for life.

It is very early in the game to be thinking about life after Foundation but as the blogs I read regularly are mostly at that stage it did get me thinking about how I need to really make complete changes to my life rather than short term solutions. I go out and eat too often and drink too much. A bottle of wine with dinner always meant a bottle each. After dinner drinks could go on until morning. I will need to learn moderation.

Last night I sat and read a lot of Mrs L's blog. This resulted in me hitting amazon.co.uk and I expect a little pile of books to arrive tomorrow. I am all up for complete submersion in this plan. I have lots of homework to do from this week's meeting including writing a letter to myself. So enough to keep me busy.

Day Fourteen

A 4lb loss. That's 13lbs so far.

One pound of fat = 3,500 calories.

Found this on MiniMins.com


Hello, do you know me?
If you don't you should. I'm a pound of fat, and I'm the happiest pound of fat that you would ever want to meet. Want to know why?

It's because no one ever wants to lose me; I'm Only One Pound, just a pound. Everyone wants to lose three pounds, five pounds or fifteen pounds, but never only one, so I just stick around and happily keep you fat.

Then I add to myself ever so slyly so that you never seem to notice it, that is until I've grown to ten, twenty or even more pounds in weight. Yes, it's fun being Only One Pound of fat, left to do as I please.

So, when you weigh in, keep right on saying "Oh, I only lost one pound." (as if that were such a terrible thing!)

For you see, if you do this you'll encourage others to keep me around because they will think I'm not worth losing. And I love being around you - your arms, your legs, your chin, your hips and every part of you. Happy Days!!

After all, I'm Only One Pound of fat!!!

Day Thirteen - Unlucky for some.

Man. I do not feel good. Utterly exhausted. Walking from one room to another makes me dizzy. This can not be right. So having packed my swim stuff to go to the gym I had to abandon it for the sofa. This is probably entirely my own fault. I have been finding it hard to get through the four packs each day. I always have three but I don't always managed to get in the fourth. I have started eating double packs to try to get through them but I need to try a little harder. I am really feeling the effects. Part of me does think that 125 calories can't really make that much difference so I guess it must be the vitamin and mineral content. I am drinking at least four litres of water still.

So, giving into temptation I got on the scales. According to them I have lost 1lb this week. 1lb! I mean, seriously. 1? I hope this is a weird blip and my body decides to shed loads next week. I guess I'll wait for the weigh in tomorrow and see what happens.

I had a uber banana shake this morning and a lemon bar this afternoon so just need to get one more shake in this evening. I really don't want it. Can't face it. But I will have it just in a vain hope that I may feel a little less like death. Another early night for me I think.

Day Twelve

So, today was a better day. Well, it kind of had to be better than yesterday. Last night my washing machine blew up filling the flat with smoke. I'm lucky to live in a building with a concierge so I rang him and he came up and helped me out. Thank God. I really didn't know what to do. But once we were out of the woods Jen and Mic came over and took me to the cinema. We went to see Knocked Up. Now, the trailers look rubbish. But it really isn't. It is actually a very well written, well acted, smart, awkward and genuinely funny film. Oh, and Paul Rudd is delicious in it. I recommend you go see it very soon.

Last night's adventures meant I had to wake up this morning and go buy another washing machine, which sucks as I really had not budgeted for such dramas. And I had treated myself to a Dyson this week so money was already stretched. I am sitting here watching Panic! At The Disco playing Reading and wondering when did I get this old. A treat is now a Dyson. A shopping trip is now for washing machines. Man, I wish I was 16 again.

But I started by saying that today was a good day. It was. My best friend Andy invited me along for a walk. The weather today was quite ridiculously beautiful. We walked from his in East Finchley up to Highgate, across Hampstead Heath and up to Parliament Hill and then back down to Kenwood house. Such a nice walk. I also had a chance to explain this whole diet to him and he had a chance to ask lots of questions. Andy is my drinking partner. And we do drink. He is also my dinner partner. We used to cook together all the time and go out for dinner at least once a week. Sunday nights were also our Chinese take out night. So this diet is affecting him a lot. He is completely supportive though. He grew up in a house of dieting women so this is nothing new to him. He is also used to having to adapt all his meals to the diet I happened to be on on any given week. It was quite a tough walk, and in the heat it was even tougher. I went straight home and into the shower and have done very little else for the rest of the day.

Think I'll head off to bed now. zzzzzz

Day Eleven

So, I've missed a few days as I have been helping my parents move to their new house in Wiltshire. So, pretty hectic but it has kept me quite busy. However, it has not kept me away from food. For the first time since starting LL I had to shop for food, prepare food for others and sit and watch while others ate when we went out for 'dinner'.

On the upside my parents were very supportive about LL. Commending me on my will power and my aunt and my mum ate noticeably less than would normally as a way of coming out in support. My dad, who is a man of very few words, also said he was glad I was doing it.

I am finding the diet much easier when I am alone as I do not need to have anything to do with food. When that is the case I can do OK. But when I need to watch others enjoying food I can't. My motivation needs a kick up the proverbial. I am still deciding whether to go to the pop in tomorrow. If the outcome is good then I'll leave with the thought that it is all worth it and I will reach my goal. However, what if it's not? Not eating is bloody hard.

Day Eight - So Hungy.

A good day as far as house/flat work goes. I really got stuck into getting rid of old clothes and 'stuff' that was kept for no reason in my one and only store cupboard. I live in a very small flat and really do not have room to keep all the rubbish I seem to hoard. I need to hit the wardrobe next. I am consciously waiting a few weeks until some of the clothes no longer fit me and that will give me a good reason to get rid of them.

I have really felt hungry today. I thought that this was not meant to happen. It was exacerbated when I went to my parent's house and they had fish and chips for dinner. The smell was amazing and I really wanted some. I then had to go to get some toiletries from the supermarket and everything looked tempting. I tried to avoid all other aisles but my eyes kept wandering. So, dear reader, I went along the aisles and set my eyes on what one treat I would have. I looked along the rows of different coloured packaging. I searched for the most exotic, most expensive and most indulgent option. Tucking it into my basket I began to imagine opening it at home, taking that first taste. San Pellegrino was the winning item. Yes, water. But.. Sparkling water. Look at me spoiling myself. Ah, well, whatever gets you through, as they say!

H. K. Duff VIII:		Well, Homer, your hunger strike lasted 12 amazing days.
Homer Simpson:		Me so hungy.
H. K. Duff VIII:		Of course you are, Hungry Hungry Homer. Why not break your fast with our brand-new Isotope Dog Supreme?

Day Seven - Weigh In

End of Week One!

9lbs down.

Day Five and Six - V Festival

The V festival was brilliant. I had a wonderful time - and it was so close! I didn't bother with the camping as I worried about trying to make up the food packs there. Instead I had a double shake in the morning before I left, and as my peeing on a stick was successful on Saturday's drop-in I was allowed a bar for the day time whilst I was there.

The abundance of food almost killed me at times. The whole site is packed with food stalls of every kind of food imaginable. Before I went I told myself that I had allowed myself to eat anything I like at all the other festivals I go to - but this time that would not be an option. It is so much harder when there is food EVERYWHERE. I really felt very hungry by the time it got to the evenings and was very tempted on many occasions just to plunge my face into the plates that were being carried past me. I think dignity was the only thing that stopped me! I think it was the smell rather than the actual need to eat.


The one thing I found a lot easier than I thought was the not drinking. I was worried that I would not enjoy it as much or feel as if I was missing out if I didn't have a cardboard cup of foamy beer. That really wasn't the case at all. Not drinking was easy. In fact it had a good effect on my group of friends - they drank very little as a result.

I tried to drink as much water as I could but did not hit the four litres. This was due to the toilet situation. The queues were about a half hour long so if I drank the right amount of water I would have missed all the acts. I hope this doesn't have a massive impact on my weight loss.

Day Five - Pop In

A 6lb loss.

Not bad at all...

Day Four

Yet another day helping my parents pack up their house ready for their big move west next week. I managed to artfully not have any tea by bringing my own coffee bags, and I hate cooked salmon so it was easy to give their lunch a miss too. I think my mum worked out something was odd when I produced my own lunch - which I claimed to be a cupasoup. As I was about to leave my aunt asked how long I was abstaining for.... Without going into details I just said that I was trying to be good for 100 days. They both looked a little taken aback but didn't probe any further. All three of us are often on diets at one point or another and often of our own design so she asked no more. The questions will probably come when I have lost some weight. I hope.

It has been relatively easy so far as I have not been at work and had quite a number of fun distractions to keep me busy. However, I did find today that as the pressure was being put on me I started to get quite irritable and snappy. This was just because I was feeling hungry, I think. I have found that it is not that I am not hungry a lot of the time, but more that I don't really like what is on offer to eat. If I had to eat four portions of chips a day I would definitely remember to eat them and look forward to eating them. The shakes and soups just don't really do it for me!

From reading another blog I saw that someone with a similar starting weight and goal to mine lost 5lbs in her first week. She was dissappointed, and I think I will be too. As she noted, even in WW you lose about 7 in your first week. Mainly through loss of water - but still a good psychological lift at the end of the first week. But I am trying to mentally resigned myself to a 5lb loss. If I lose that it will be great - more will be awesome. Less... well, if it is less than I could probably do better elsewhere...

I had a dream last night that I was back at school. I walked into the staffroom and there was the usual spread on the table. In the dream I picked up some food and was absently eating it as I made tea. A dull dream, I would agree with you. But I woke up devestated (well, maybe that is a little too strong a word!) that I had just sabotaged the whole thing because I didn't stop and think. I am sure I will not do this but I know it will be harder when I am back at school and should savour these days.

I am off out again tonight. I'm going to see Martha Wainwright at Shepherds Bush Empire. My first gig in years without a drink. I am not sure if this is a diet or rehab!!!

Day Three

So, I think I'm starting to get the hang of this.

I've just got in from town having been up to the MTV studios in Camden to see the recording of a new Russell Brand series. I know he is a bit of a love him or hate him character but I just love his Radio Two show - and loved him tonight. It was another great distraction but I was STARVING on the way home. I just whipped up a Banana Milkshake, which I actually enjoyed.

I also hit the gym today. Started with a brisk walk before going to Pilates. I did it for a while last year and did experience some benefits but it appears that all my muscles have been in retirement since. It was good - I'll be going regularly. I definitely need to sort out my stomach muscles if I am going to see some real change physically. I then went for it on the cross-trainer. If I can do this at least three times a week it should help change my shape, I hope!

I attempted the 'chickenmuffinstuffin' . I have to assume I did it wrong. No one would willing eat what I made. But thanks to the comments I will continue to experiment with the cooking of packets. I really want to master the crisps.

I told another friend today that I am doing the diet. She was great - told me she was proud of me and happy to support. She then admitted that she had started the Weight Watchers online. Although she then went on to say that the 17 points that she is allowed were simply not enough. However she pointed out that if her two partners in crime, me and Jen, weren't out eating lunches, dinners, post pub snacks, pizza with video etc.. she was likely to benefit too!

All this water is making me feel bloated most of time and it is still a trial trying to get it down. Tried to drink two extra litres today as well as I am not sure the water drunk in the gym lasted that long in the system!

And so to sleep.....

Day Two

Hurrah! Two days down.

I'm sitting here watching Diet Doctors. I watched two episodes of You Are What You Eat earlier. The funny thing is that I can only watch these programmes when I am on a diet. Whenever I am eating in my usual carefree* way I can't watch them - it is a simple case of denial. I hated the fact that I was slowly poisoning myself with apparently delicious food and then lectured about it. So I always turned over or switched off and went out for all you can eat chinese!

Not now though! New leaf and all that. I love raspberries. Love them. So I had the raspberry one for breakfast. It wasn't too bad but really did not taste of fruit. They all seem to taste of pretty much the same thing. I'm guessing my taste buds will change after a couple of weeks though. For lunch I had the caramel one. Now, this I liked. When I was in my late teens I had a mild obsession with Butterscotch Angel Delight (and I wonder where the belly came from!). Well, the caramel one tastes very much the same as that. I think the main problem is that I just do not have a sweet tooth - never had one. I have always been one to pass up on desserts and can leave chocolate and sweets festering for weeks in the fridge. So sweet shakes are not really for me.

I went to the cinema for the afternoon. I should probably explain that I am a teacher so I am on my school holidays at the moment - hence the time to write blogs and watch so much day time TV. I went to the cinema and watched Hairspray. The Big is Beautiful message was probably not the one I needed to hear. I also forgot that I hate musicals before I went. So, not the most succesful day. But it kept me away from food. I also got through a litre of water whilst I was there. Hurrah.

I could easily pass on the sweets and popcorn at the cinema but as I was leaving I really wanted to go across the road to the McDonalds for a double cheese burger. I went home and made some 'crisps' with a vegetable food pack instead. They were nasty. Really nasty. I also read on a forum that if you cook a pack it kills off the vitamins - has anyone else heard this?

So I have one more foodpack to 'eat' today, and another litre of water to drink before I go to bed. I have had a mild headache all day today - not really bad - just a bit annoying. Two days down. I'm sure that as soon as I see the weight loss it'll be worth it.

Finally I'd just like to say a quick thank you to all those who have been leaving comments - it really does help.


* Not any more!!!

Day One

I am sitting watching TV and enjoying my third meal of the day. I promise, I have not fallen off the wagon already! I had Banana Shake for breakfast which was surprisingly delicious. I used a hand blender so it was very thick and creamy. For lunch I had the Thai Chilli soup - it was strangely very milky. Not quite the Thai soup I am used to! But I got through it.

My parents are moving house so I spent the day packing up the house and drinking water, oh, and running to the toilet constantly. I hope my body gets used to this much water soon. And now I am having the chicken soup. It's not been difficult today, but then it really shouldn't - I did eat normally only yesterday.

I can't motivate myself to go to the gym this evening. It's wet and miserable outside so I am opting for a night of 24 instead. Jack Bauer and a chocolate milkshake - wonderful!I will go to the gym tomorrow. I'm not sure what other people have experienced when it comes to doing exercise on the LL diet. I am sure that it can only help - not to mention tone up a little!

I have put on the ticker chart as advised - I like the idea of the visual image but I will be much happier when I am no longer at the very start of the journey..

Right, back to the soup!

Ticker Chart

The First Meeting

So, Monday evening. I went along to the first meeting today. I was anxious all day and keen for it to start. The counsellor is fantastic. I really like her. She is very down to earth and tells it like it is. I am so pleased about this as I have found in many other diets I have done - eg. Weight Watchers - that the group leaders are both uninspiring and generally uninterested.

Today there were eight of us, the counsellor - L - said that more would be starting next week and then the week after. I believe that you can only have twelve in a group - many more than that and I feel it would be too diluted. It is a nice group. Quite a mixture of ages and with varying amounts to loose. Today we introduced ourselves and received our 'goody-bags' of food for the week. I came home and colour coded them and placed them in a couple of baskets. In a very strange way I am looking forward to making one for breakfast. After all this thought it is finally starting!

We will be having a drop in on Saturday to see how we are getting on and check to see if you have reached ketosis. I am going to the V festival in Chelmsford on Saturday. I am a little worried about attending a music festival and not drinking! There is also the trouble of making the food packs - but I am not going to let it get in the way.

I've still not really told anyone what I am doing. I was at my parent's house today but didn't get a chance to really go into it. As soon as I have started I will let people know when it is relevant.

So the facts as they stand:

Starting point - 14 stone 12lbs.

It feels like I have such a long way to go - wish me luck!

The Waiting Game

It's Sunday. I begin tomorrow but I don't like the waiting around. Now that I know I am going to do it I want to start straight away. I guess I should use today as a chance to prepare. Having read a number of blogs of people doing LL with families and children I should count myself lucky. I don't think I would last very long if I had to shop for food and prepare meals. Luckily I live alone so once the fridge is empty I should be ready to start. I am also going to clear out the wardrobe of all the clothes that are currently a little too big. My weight normally swings up and down and I can be wearing anything from a 16 to a 20. Currently I am a size 18 so I will get rid of anything larger than that.

So, today will be a big clear out day - ready to start tomorrow.

I am going out for dinner tonight as a friend has got relatives visiting. It will be my last meal out for a long time so I intend to enjoy it. Also the last drink I'll be having for some time. Yikes.

The Induction meeting

Today was the Induction meeting. I woke up really nervous, or excited. I had pretty much made up my mind to join but I wanted to go with an open mind to see if I can see a real downside. I asked that very question - I liked her answer. She simply said - 'You don't get to eat or drink, that's the downside.' Nothing but honest. I like that.

So next step is the doctor. Well, the nurse. I have an appointment on Monday and I hope to start the program on Monday evening. I can't imagine there is any reason why I will not be able to go ahead with it. I've not told anyone else yet. Apart from my friend who is doing it at the same time as me. Well, it was her that told me about it. I think I want to start it before I talk to anyone else about it. I'm not sure what the general reaction will be so I want to start it without everyone putting their oar in. If I am happy, healthy, mentally stable and loosing weight then I will let people know. Is this a bad idea?

A First Time For Everything

So, I am going to be new to many things. Firstly, the blog. I've never commited anything to the interweb through a fear of who may read it. Essentially, however, with the amount that are around I can safely say I should not gather too much attention.

So, why am I doing this? Well, having read a few other people's blogs I can see that they have been an essential part of maintaining their mental state and their weight loss. And that is why I am doing this. Tomorrow I will attend the information meeting for Lighter Life. If all goes well I will be seeing a nurse on Monday morning and beginning the programme on Monday evening. I am midly terrifed and exceptionally excited.

Why Lighter Life? Firstly, and most importantly, I must lose weight. I've been carrying 4 or 5 extra stones of weight for too long. I have tried everything else. I did pretty well with Weight Watchers once but never got down to my goal weight. The Atkins worked well for a while too but after loosing a few stone I gave up on it. The same thing happened last year when I began another diet - lost almost three stone and then it all went wrong again. Slowly I have put a stone and a half back on this year. So I need to do something else.

I have a very good friend who has experienced the very same thing. It was her that told me about Lighter Life. She is beginning it next week after attending a meeting a few weeks ago. When she first told me about it I was pleased that she was going to do it but I thought that it seemed very severe. Giving up all food, and to make matters worse - drink! Sounds scary. As she explained to me why she is doing it and what she wants to get out of it I slowly realised that it is not a big price to pay.

So, tomorrow I will go to the meeting but I think I have made my mind up already. Ironically I am meeting friends for lunch today. I don't want to get talked out of it so I am not going to tell many people. Not until I have started it and discovered whether I can do it. I know that I am a determined person - but my biggest weaknesses are food and drink.

My plan is to use this blog to explain what, why and how I am doing this. I fear I have written enough for today although I could go on and on for hours. More later.