Ok, So I really wanted to lose 4lbs to get to the three stone loss mark. So I was overjoyed when, according to my scales - and just out of bed, before having a shower - I had made it Hurrah! Sadly the official weigh in showed a two pound loss. But a loss is good. Real good.
Talk tonight was all about what we were doing next.... The fill in LLC said - "Well next week is your last week and then we say goodbye and you decide whether to go into development or Management." Hang On.. I thought... Hang On one cotton picking second... This is day 77... according to my seven times table that makes next week day 84. So what gives?
She then went on to ask what I would like to do next. I have been pondering this very thing, and very kindly Mrs L has given some excellent advice. Now the thing is, I have never craved or really wanted to be skinny or even slim - just not fat. However the LLC seems to think that is what I want. I said I was happy to go into management at the end of the 100 days - she then spent a good ten minutes telling me that a) I should go into development and stay abstinent and, in the same breath, b) not to let other people tell me when I should eat/not eat! Now, is it just me or is that a tiny bit hypocritical?
I have also been talking to my friend about it, just now in fact. His analogy was about going for milk. When you are already out in the evening, he said, it is easier to walk that extra 15 mins and get the milk there and then, than having to get up and out in the morning and get it. Clear? Hmm.. But, yes. Maybe I should just keep walking that 15 minutes - or however many weeks it may take, than having to metaphorically get up in the morning and decide that I did want that milk after all. So much to think about.
In the back of my head I have decided that I will stick out the 100 days and make a decision then. In other news two black jumper dresses arrived in the post from asos.com today. They look great! Now I just need to be brave enough to wear a dress out! I am going to see Rufus Wainwright for the thousandth time on Wednesday - maybe I'll wear one of them then!
Ah, it is late and I have not got the car ready for it's service tomorrow. But I will set the alarm....
...I'll tidy up the rooms
And turn the covers down, and gazing at the moon
Will pray to go quite mad.....
Thank you Ms Ian.
Monday 29 October 2007
Saturday 27 October 2007
Day Seventy Five
Oooooh, not long now!
So, it's Saturday morning and I am here on the sofa watching Saturday Kitchen. I can not get enough of Food Porn. I should be heading off to the gym - I Will be heading off to the gym but I am meeting a friend in there after she has done her tutoring so I am doing the laundry instead - ahh domesticity!
I feel rather content at the moment. I've just had half term so I have had the chance to get away from London a couple of times and chill out. Went for a nice walk up a hill in Wiltshire to see the White Horse and have had nice lie-ins. I couldn't sleep last night so I cleaned out all of my cupboards in the kitchen. I decided not to throw much stuff out. As a singleton living alone in London I, like many, have pretty empty cupboards anyway. I was always a M&S ready meal kind of girl. Which is ironic because I actually really love to cook. I have a shelf of herbs and spices, a shelf of tinned tomatoes and beans of various kinds and then a carb shelf at the top. I will eventually be eating pasta and rice again so I am loathed to just throw it out and waste it.
That's pretty much it. The fridge is funnier. Four bottles of lager, Three bottles of Raspberry beer, Two bottles of white wine and a bottle of champagne! Ahh, a glimpse at my former life.
I turn 31 on Wednesday. Without going into detail I kind of F**ked up quite royally when I turned thirty. In a confused haze of self belief and being utterly besotted with the wrong person I had a bit of a shi**y time. I dropped three stone, hated myself and was pretty darn miserable. Fortunately I have one of the greatest groups of friends available who were, and are, totally wonderful and forgiving. Coming out the other side of it all I just thought 'sod it' and went back to a comfort zone as a way of making myself feel better. Of course that didn't work. So I intend to do things better this time around.
I am desperate to loose 4lbs this week. 4lbs will mean that I have lost three stone. It will be a great mile stone and perfect birthday present. But it is in the laps of the gods. It is very odd how you don't really feel control over your weight loss on LL. I can't 'cut-back' - or choose a lighter option. So - the gym it is instead. I have definitely been more active this week and I hope it has a positive effect.
I have slightly adjusted my goal weight. I wanted to get to ten stone - well, I randomly picked ten stone but I have decided, now that I am closer to the prize, that I will aim for ten and a half. I then want to try to stay between 10 and 11 stone as I work through the RtM part of the programme.
So, a blooody long post - sorry if you have trudged through my swampy brain. But it is cathartic to get it all out. Especially as I am sick of sounding like a diet bore with my friends.
So, it's Saturday morning and I am here on the sofa watching Saturday Kitchen. I can not get enough of Food Porn. I should be heading off to the gym - I Will be heading off to the gym but I am meeting a friend in there after she has done her tutoring so I am doing the laundry instead - ahh domesticity!
I feel rather content at the moment. I've just had half term so I have had the chance to get away from London a couple of times and chill out. Went for a nice walk up a hill in Wiltshire to see the White Horse and have had nice lie-ins. I couldn't sleep last night so I cleaned out all of my cupboards in the kitchen. I decided not to throw much stuff out. As a singleton living alone in London I, like many, have pretty empty cupboards anyway. I was always a M&S ready meal kind of girl. Which is ironic because I actually really love to cook. I have a shelf of herbs and spices, a shelf of tinned tomatoes and beans of various kinds and then a carb shelf at the top. I will eventually be eating pasta and rice again so I am loathed to just throw it out and waste it.
That's pretty much it. The fridge is funnier. Four bottles of lager, Three bottles of Raspberry beer, Two bottles of white wine and a bottle of champagne! Ahh, a glimpse at my former life.
I turn 31 on Wednesday. Without going into detail I kind of F**ked up quite royally when I turned thirty. In a confused haze of self belief and being utterly besotted with the wrong person I had a bit of a shi**y time. I dropped three stone, hated myself and was pretty darn miserable. Fortunately I have one of the greatest groups of friends available who were, and are, totally wonderful and forgiving. Coming out the other side of it all I just thought 'sod it' and went back to a comfort zone as a way of making myself feel better. Of course that didn't work. So I intend to do things better this time around.
I am desperate to loose 4lbs this week. 4lbs will mean that I have lost three stone. It will be a great mile stone and perfect birthday present. But it is in the laps of the gods. It is very odd how you don't really feel control over your weight loss on LL. I can't 'cut-back' - or choose a lighter option. So - the gym it is instead. I have definitely been more active this week and I hope it has a positive effect.
I have slightly adjusted my goal weight. I wanted to get to ten stone - well, I randomly picked ten stone but I have decided, now that I am closer to the prize, that I will aim for ten and a half. I then want to try to stay between 10 and 11 stone as I work through the RtM part of the programme.
So, a blooody long post - sorry if you have trudged through my swampy brain. But it is cathartic to get it all out. Especially as I am sick of sounding like a diet bore with my friends.
Monday 22 October 2007
Day Seventy
Not long now. Only thirty days to go. Another 4lbs down tonight, and only 4 more to go until I have lost 3 stone. So it's all good. I'm not finding the meetings of any use. It seems as if a lot of the ideas a nd 'tools' we are discussing are redundant at the moment and will be far more useful when food is reintroduced. I get the idea that we should be learning how to use them now so we can implement them later but it does not work for me. I guess I learn better in context.
It's half term this week so I have had a nice day. I went and had my hair done this morning and then spent the afternoon doing laundry and watching QVC! Lovely. I really want to go shopping. I was excited about managing to fit into size 14 last week but now it is a pain that my size 16s do not fit. I need to get more clothes! Maybe another pair of cheap jeans from New Look maybe called for. Maybe.
So, seven more days. Some delicious bars and a whole shed load of chocolate food packs to get through.
It's half term this week so I have had a nice day. I went and had my hair done this morning and then spent the afternoon doing laundry and watching QVC! Lovely. I really want to go shopping. I was excited about managing to fit into size 14 last week but now it is a pain that my size 16s do not fit. I need to get more clothes! Maybe another pair of cheap jeans from New Look maybe called for. Maybe.
So, seven more days. Some delicious bars and a whole shed load of chocolate food packs to get through.
Thursday 18 October 2007
Day Sixty Six
I'm not utterly sure why things are going so slow. The scales are just not shifting. I guess it's because I want to be loosing half a stone a week and that's just a phenomenon that is not going to happen. I've actually been more active in the last few weeks then I have been in a long time. I hoped that the increase in activity would reflect in the scales.
It seems as if two - three pounds a week is all I can expect from now on. I wish I could put it down to TOTM but as I have PCOS I've never had a reliable TOTM. I can go for three years without any sign. Yep, three years. I was hoping that with the weight loss I might begin to get a cycle but that does not appear to be happening. I would love to be proved wrong. Most of the websites I have read suggest that a healthy weight will cause the signs and symptoms of PCOS to go away. I really do hope so.
Despite the lack of movement in the scales I was totally decked out in size 14 today. This is amazing for me. So it is odd that I am still so obsessed with the numbers. I think this may be because I am focusing on the healthy BMI. I want to get below 11 stone. And that means the numbers on the scales must go down.
I couldn't be more tired at the moment. I am still feeling run down - despite the uplifting effect of the shopping trip. Could this be a reason for holding on to water? I'm drinking loads to try to wash out any germs as I can feel them collecting and forming plans in my throat. I'm going away for the weekend for lots of fresh air and sleep. And it is also half term this week so I intend to catch up on sleep and leaf kicking.
It seems to be pretty quiet on here at the moment. I hope you are all well and sticking with it!
It seems as if two - three pounds a week is all I can expect from now on. I wish I could put it down to TOTM but as I have PCOS I've never had a reliable TOTM. I can go for three years without any sign. Yep, three years. I was hoping that with the weight loss I might begin to get a cycle but that does not appear to be happening. I would love to be proved wrong. Most of the websites I have read suggest that a healthy weight will cause the signs and symptoms of PCOS to go away. I really do hope so.
Despite the lack of movement in the scales I was totally decked out in size 14 today. This is amazing for me. So it is odd that I am still so obsessed with the numbers. I think this may be because I am focusing on the healthy BMI. I want to get below 11 stone. And that means the numbers on the scales must go down.
I couldn't be more tired at the moment. I am still feeling run down - despite the uplifting effect of the shopping trip. Could this be a reason for holding on to water? I'm drinking loads to try to wash out any germs as I can feel them collecting and forming plans in my throat. I'm going away for the weekend for lots of fresh air and sleep. And it is also half term this week so I intend to catch up on sleep and leaf kicking.
It seems to be pretty quiet on here at the moment. I hope you are all well and sticking with it!
Monday 15 October 2007
Day Sixty Three
Well, I am feeling much better today. It was a really hectic day but enjoyable in the main. I did feel run down all day - it feels like I have given a couple of pints of blood away. However as I went to weigh in and left without staying for the meeting I felt better straight away. I am not so much dreading another week of LL, or the weigh in - it was really the meeting that I had really begun to dread.
I was going to go home to bed but instead I drove up to the Brookfield Centre. It is a few stores out of town. I wanted to just try on some clothes. Deciding that I would buy myself some size 14 jeans so I would have something that I could try on and see that I was getting smaller, I went into Next. I found a really lovely pair of jeans - nervously took the size 14s into the changing room. And lo and behold they did up absolutely fine - comfortable fit! I was shocked. I have always traditionally complained about Next sizes but obviously I was always wrong! I decided not to buy them though. I only bought a pair of size 16 a few weeks ago and they are already loose. So I think I will wait for a few more weeks and then try on the size 12s! I can not believe that that would even be an option for me!
I was really down yesterday because I was focusing on how hard off I was and how everyone else could munch away but I couldn't. I knew that I needed to concentrate on why I was doing this and how bloody far I have come. The therapy I gave myself this evening was far better than any session could have done for me. I did buy a cheaper pair of size 14s from New Look and a lovely size 14 shirt from Autograph at M&S. I then sat and had a coffee and read a magazine. Bliss.
As you can see from the ticker chart below I am exactly half way to goal weight. I picked my goal almost at random when I begun. I chose 10 stone as it seemed like a good round number. My main target however is to have a healthy BMI. And that is my real focus. So I really want to get below 11 stone. At the moment though the mini target is to get below 12 stone. I want to be in the 11s by my birthday. That's 16 days away. Just over two weeks to loose half a stone. Should be possible but I only lost 2lbs this week. Fingers crossed.
I was going to go home to bed but instead I drove up to the Brookfield Centre. It is a few stores out of town. I wanted to just try on some clothes. Deciding that I would buy myself some size 14 jeans so I would have something that I could try on and see that I was getting smaller, I went into Next. I found a really lovely pair of jeans - nervously took the size 14s into the changing room. And lo and behold they did up absolutely fine - comfortable fit! I was shocked. I have always traditionally complained about Next sizes but obviously I was always wrong! I decided not to buy them though. I only bought a pair of size 16 a few weeks ago and they are already loose. So I think I will wait for a few more weeks and then try on the size 12s! I can not believe that that would even be an option for me!
I was really down yesterday because I was focusing on how hard off I was and how everyone else could munch away but I couldn't. I knew that I needed to concentrate on why I was doing this and how bloody far I have come. The therapy I gave myself this evening was far better than any session could have done for me. I did buy a cheaper pair of size 14s from New Look and a lovely size 14 shirt from Autograph at M&S. I then sat and had a coffee and read a magazine. Bliss.
As you can see from the ticker chart below I am exactly half way to goal weight. I picked my goal almost at random when I begun. I chose 10 stone as it seemed like a good round number. My main target however is to have a healthy BMI. And that is my real focus. So I really want to get below 11 stone. At the moment though the mini target is to get below 12 stone. I want to be in the 11s by my birthday. That's 16 days away. Just over two weeks to loose half a stone. Should be possible but I only lost 2lbs this week. Fingers crossed.
Sunday 14 October 2007
Day Sixty Two
Huurumph.
I just feel like crying all the time. I really want to be done now. I'm having a constant, unrelenting battle between an emotional and intellectual reaction to this whole experience.
I guess LL would put it in terms of my child and my adult. My child is focused on the end. Waiting for the end like a child waiting for their birthday or Christmas. But then if you knew me then you'd know that I am always counting the days to my birthday (16 days) and Christmas (70 days). But I'm not excited.
I need to focus on the reward. At the moment this feels like a constant trial. I keep thinking about the bad side of everything and not on the fact that I'll be slimmer. Which is the only reason I am doing this. I guess it's because I fear failure. What if I do this and then end up slipping into old habits and slowly putting it back on again? That's what I've always done. But in the meantime I just want to taste food. I am sick and tired of foodpacks. I've not once eaten anything against the rules. At the moment I wish I had, have or will. Crooked Thinking, I hear you cry.
The only good part in all of this is that my adult is in full control over what passes the lips and however hard it is dealing with the emotions I still don't see a point when I'll 'cheat'. Although... I did realise that, being a Catholic and having been at Mass a few times I have received a hosts - but not even I am obsessed enough to consider this a fault.
It is the weigh in tomorrow. If the locum LLC is still running it then I will not stay for the meeting. This will be the first one I have missed. For the last three sessions she has repeatedly made me angry, upset and eager to eat in a reaction to her inane, ill considered and horrendously under prepared sessions. She is good friends with our LLC and usually just does the money taking and weigh in so I am not sure how the usual LLC will react if I tell her how I feel about the last three sessions. However, we are paying a lot for the counselling and not just to listen to someone who wants to project her own personal issues and neurosis onto us.
Thirty Eight Days and counting.
I just feel like crying all the time. I really want to be done now. I'm having a constant, unrelenting battle between an emotional and intellectual reaction to this whole experience.
I guess LL would put it in terms of my child and my adult. My child is focused on the end. Waiting for the end like a child waiting for their birthday or Christmas. But then if you knew me then you'd know that I am always counting the days to my birthday (16 days) and Christmas (70 days). But I'm not excited.
I need to focus on the reward. At the moment this feels like a constant trial. I keep thinking about the bad side of everything and not on the fact that I'll be slimmer. Which is the only reason I am doing this. I guess it's because I fear failure. What if I do this and then end up slipping into old habits and slowly putting it back on again? That's what I've always done. But in the meantime I just want to taste food. I am sick and tired of foodpacks. I've not once eaten anything against the rules. At the moment I wish I had, have or will. Crooked Thinking, I hear you cry.
The only good part in all of this is that my adult is in full control over what passes the lips and however hard it is dealing with the emotions I still don't see a point when I'll 'cheat'. Although... I did realise that, being a Catholic and having been at Mass a few times I have received a hosts - but not even I am obsessed enough to consider this a fault.
It is the weigh in tomorrow. If the locum LLC is still running it then I will not stay for the meeting. This will be the first one I have missed. For the last three sessions she has repeatedly made me angry, upset and eager to eat in a reaction to her inane, ill considered and horrendously under prepared sessions. She is good friends with our LLC and usually just does the money taking and weigh in so I am not sure how the usual LLC will react if I tell her how I feel about the last three sessions. However, we are paying a lot for the counselling and not just to listen to someone who wants to project her own personal issues and neurosis onto us.
Thirty Eight Days and counting.
Monday 8 October 2007
Saturday 6 October 2007
Day Fifty Four
So in terms of days I have passed the half way point. And I worked out today that I am five pounds away from reaching the half way point in terms of my goal weight.
I've spent this morning being very lazy. I promised myself a lie-in today as long as the weather was bad and fortunately, although it started good, it has got pretty grey and cold this afternoon. I'm still in a mixed mood about the whole diet. I am definitely getting slimmer. I can see it in my body and feel it in my clothes. And I am happy when I see the results but otherwise I am finding it all very hard work. Part of me keeps reminding myself that it's not long now and I can certainly do it and the other half just wants to be normal and eat normal food. I think I am certain that I will want to enter management when the 100 days are over. I have read the cautionary tales of 'loosing a bit more before you reintroduce food' but I don't think I will do that. I have been giving it a lot of thought as my friend who I am doing this with feels as if she will definitely need to go into development after.
Part of these disordered thoughts may be down to the fact that a few of my friends are currently dong the Cambridge Diet. Both of them only had a very small amount to lose and therefore only did sole source for 1 or 2 weeks. It's making 46 days seem a very long time. But then I had a lot more to loose than them. So my current thinking is 100 days limit. I will get to that point. I will enter management and open that can of worms.
I still have not had one illegal item. Not even a bit of lemon in water. Nothing. But I don't feel particularly virtuous. I feel more like a indoctrinated cult member. I know I won't eat in more of an 'absolutely terrified of what might happen' kind of way. I'm becoming a little too obsessed with it all.
I'm off out tonight to a Pirate themed Murder Mystery night. It sounds really quite ridiculous but I am sure it will be a laugh. I have my costume ready but sadly no parrot. So it is sparkling water and thigh slapping for me this eve!
And back to my original point. I'm pretty much half way there. The point at which I have folded on every diet I have ever done. This is the weakest point for me. I know it. For years I have never got past this point. I wish I'd listened a bit more in psychology class. I wish my subconscious brain would kindly step up and tell me why it does not want me to go any further than this. And a few words from my conscious brain on why it won't let me deviate from the plan. And finally, seeing they spend so much time cooped up in my brain together - why in God's name do they not have a little chat with each other and let me get on with my day!
Arrrrrrrrrr.
I've spent this morning being very lazy. I promised myself a lie-in today as long as the weather was bad and fortunately, although it started good, it has got pretty grey and cold this afternoon. I'm still in a mixed mood about the whole diet. I am definitely getting slimmer. I can see it in my body and feel it in my clothes. And I am happy when I see the results but otherwise I am finding it all very hard work. Part of me keeps reminding myself that it's not long now and I can certainly do it and the other half just wants to be normal and eat normal food. I think I am certain that I will want to enter management when the 100 days are over. I have read the cautionary tales of 'loosing a bit more before you reintroduce food' but I don't think I will do that. I have been giving it a lot of thought as my friend who I am doing this with feels as if she will definitely need to go into development after.
Part of these disordered thoughts may be down to the fact that a few of my friends are currently dong the Cambridge Diet. Both of them only had a very small amount to lose and therefore only did sole source for 1 or 2 weeks. It's making 46 days seem a very long time. But then I had a lot more to loose than them. So my current thinking is 100 days limit. I will get to that point. I will enter management and open that can of worms.
I still have not had one illegal item. Not even a bit of lemon in water. Nothing. But I don't feel particularly virtuous. I feel more like a indoctrinated cult member. I know I won't eat in more of an 'absolutely terrified of what might happen' kind of way. I'm becoming a little too obsessed with it all.
I'm off out tonight to a Pirate themed Murder Mystery night. It sounds really quite ridiculous but I am sure it will be a laugh. I have my costume ready but sadly no parrot. So it is sparkling water and thigh slapping for me this eve!
And back to my original point. I'm pretty much half way there. The point at which I have folded on every diet I have ever done. This is the weakest point for me. I know it. For years I have never got past this point. I wish I'd listened a bit more in psychology class. I wish my subconscious brain would kindly step up and tell me why it does not want me to go any further than this. And a few words from my conscious brain on why it won't let me deviate from the plan. And finally, seeing they spend so much time cooped up in my brain together - why in God's name do they not have a little chat with each other and let me get on with my day!
Arrrrrrrrrr.
Monday 1 October 2007
Day Forty Nine
So, another 3lbs down this week. It is good news as this makes just over 2 stone.
I found the meeting to be frustrating, angering and making me want to go out and eat. The fill in LLC annoys me and I find the sessions useless. Fortunately me and my friend sat in the car and had our own session which helped so much. I had almost decided entirely that I was going home to eat my much lusted after baked potato, but Jen talked me down. Thank God.
So, half way through and 2 stone down. That's very good news.
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