So, one week down. Phew. And lots more delicious foods to add to the fridge. I am too tired to give it much thought at the moment but tomorrow I will sort it all out. Delicious!
Good news - after a few weeks of stable weight - I lost 3lbs this week. Hurrah.
Tuesday 27 November 2007
Sunday 25 November 2007
Day Six - RtM
This isn't quite what I thought it would be. I am not having a good day. I don't get why my head is so over the place. Well, I didn't get it so I went in search of inspiration or solace - I found Cerulean's blog and read that. It made me feel a little bit better and a little more normal.
The thing is, I really have not done anything wrong. Well, the most I have done wrong this week is have two bars one day. But I feel like I am failing. I feel like I am getting it all wrong. I am religiously keeping my food and mood diary and although I couldn't think why a couple of days ago I can see why now. In fact I think I should get a bigger book. Most of the time - and given that three of the meals a day are food packs - I can't say much more than 'I felt fine' an hour before and 'fine still' an hour after. But today I went a bit crazy.
I decided to roast a chicken today so I could have chicken for the next three days.
........... You, know, this blog bloody helps as I have just had numerous light bulbs go off in my head it is ridiculous...........
I got up at 5am to take my aunt and cousins over to Stansted for my aunt's funeral. I can not go as I don't want to ask for more time off after going a week ago to sit and watch the most horrendous thing I have ever seen. No more detail needed. But I do not think I have processed it all yet. I feel so bad that I am not going. All my family and cousins have gone over. Except my brother but he is in New York so it is harder for him. Leaving them at the airport and me not going makes me feel really quite sick.
I then picked up my best friend to take him to the airport. He is off to Brazil for a couple of weeks - I will miss him not being here. He is on a very nervous trip too and a lot depends on this trip. I am also worried about that.
But... I am one of those people who shelves everything. I don't ever deal with things that emotionally upset me. So it is starting to sink in why I have been so off all day.
I came home from the first airport drop off at half seven this morning and started chopping garlic and herbs to stuff the chicken. I did a load of washing and then had to rush off to do the next airport drop off.
I then came home and spent an hour looking up recipes for, and then making turkey burgers.
After I had roasted the chicken - I took it out to cool and then began to take all the skin off and remove the meat to set aside for my meals. I 'tried' a bit of the chicken. Then tried a bit more and a bit more. The thing is I could only have eaten about one thigh and maybe a leg of chicken in total - without the skin, before I panicked and covered everything up and went to my computer to plan lessons for this week. I didn't have dinner as planned as I had eaten all the chicken I was 'allowed' for the day.
Beyond that I have had a food pack for breakfast, one this afternoon and a bar this evening. So - as I said - I haven't actually eaten more than I should. But the fact that I stood eating straight from the carcass in some kind of crazed meat stupor has made me really angry.
It is only in writing this that I can begin to relate my actions to my emotional state. I was so busy suppressing the emotion and not even allowing myself to acknowledge that I might be upset that I kept myself busy and then tried to stuff food down on top of the upset to quieten it further.
I have then spent the day projecting my anxiety and upset all on the food when I am probably more upset about the funeral and not being there.
But where does that leave me?
1. I must realise that I HAVE stuck to the program today.
2. I have only had 3 food packs (allowed) and some skinless chicken (allowed).
3. I have drunk three litres of water - good.
4. I have helped my aunt and cousins this morning by taking them to the airport making the trip a little easier for them.
5. I helped my friend by taking him to the airport.
6. I did not eat all the chicken - I wrapped it up and put it away.
7. I did not eat anything off plan.
8. It is ok to be upset about not going to Ireland.
9. I have been there - me being there did help whilst I was there. People will understand me not going this time.
10. I must sleep -- lack of sleep makes things worse.
So there we are. Man, that was some Epiphany. And a lot cheaper than therapy. Go me! Just got to read through those ten items a few times so I can go to bed happier.
Also, I must freeze the turkey burgers as I will not be able to have them this week. I have enough chicken for the next two days at least and the burgers will go off if they are not frozen.
So week one of RtM is a bumpy ride. The scales have yet again not budged. My weight appears to be the most stable thing around here!
The thing is, I really have not done anything wrong. Well, the most I have done wrong this week is have two bars one day. But I feel like I am failing. I feel like I am getting it all wrong. I am religiously keeping my food and mood diary and although I couldn't think why a couple of days ago I can see why now. In fact I think I should get a bigger book. Most of the time - and given that three of the meals a day are food packs - I can't say much more than 'I felt fine' an hour before and 'fine still' an hour after. But today I went a bit crazy.
I decided to roast a chicken today so I could have chicken for the next three days.
........... You, know, this blog bloody helps as I have just had numerous light bulbs go off in my head it is ridiculous...........
I got up at 5am to take my aunt and cousins over to Stansted for my aunt's funeral. I can not go as I don't want to ask for more time off after going a week ago to sit and watch the most horrendous thing I have ever seen. No more detail needed. But I do not think I have processed it all yet. I feel so bad that I am not going. All my family and cousins have gone over. Except my brother but he is in New York so it is harder for him. Leaving them at the airport and me not going makes me feel really quite sick.
I then picked up my best friend to take him to the airport. He is off to Brazil for a couple of weeks - I will miss him not being here. He is on a very nervous trip too and a lot depends on this trip. I am also worried about that.
But... I am one of those people who shelves everything. I don't ever deal with things that emotionally upset me. So it is starting to sink in why I have been so off all day.
I came home from the first airport drop off at half seven this morning and started chopping garlic and herbs to stuff the chicken. I did a load of washing and then had to rush off to do the next airport drop off.
I then came home and spent an hour looking up recipes for, and then making turkey burgers.
After I had roasted the chicken - I took it out to cool and then began to take all the skin off and remove the meat to set aside for my meals. I 'tried' a bit of the chicken. Then tried a bit more and a bit more. The thing is I could only have eaten about one thigh and maybe a leg of chicken in total - without the skin, before I panicked and covered everything up and went to my computer to plan lessons for this week. I didn't have dinner as planned as I had eaten all the chicken I was 'allowed' for the day.
Beyond that I have had a food pack for breakfast, one this afternoon and a bar this evening. So - as I said - I haven't actually eaten more than I should. But the fact that I stood eating straight from the carcass in some kind of crazed meat stupor has made me really angry.
It is only in writing this that I can begin to relate my actions to my emotional state. I was so busy suppressing the emotion and not even allowing myself to acknowledge that I might be upset that I kept myself busy and then tried to stuff food down on top of the upset to quieten it further.
I have then spent the day projecting my anxiety and upset all on the food when I am probably more upset about the funeral and not being there.
But where does that leave me?
1. I must realise that I HAVE stuck to the program today.
2. I have only had 3 food packs (allowed) and some skinless chicken (allowed).
3. I have drunk three litres of water - good.
4. I have helped my aunt and cousins this morning by taking them to the airport making the trip a little easier for them.
5. I helped my friend by taking him to the airport.
6. I did not eat all the chicken - I wrapped it up and put it away.
7. I did not eat anything off plan.
8. It is ok to be upset about not going to Ireland.
9. I have been there - me being there did help whilst I was there. People will understand me not going this time.
10. I must sleep -- lack of sleep makes things worse.
So there we are. Man, that was some Epiphany. And a lot cheaper than therapy. Go me! Just got to read through those ten items a few times so I can go to bed happier.
Also, I must freeze the turkey burgers as I will not be able to have them this week. I have enough chicken for the next two days at least and the burgers will go off if they are not frozen.
So week one of RtM is a bumpy ride. The scales have yet again not budged. My weight appears to be the most stable thing around here!
Tuesday 20 November 2007
Day Ninety Nine
.... but day one of Route To Management ....
I didn't enjoy the meeting today. Not only did they not have any chocolate packs or new style bars, in fact only old style nut bars, but I felt really lost. Everyone is at different stages and talking about completely different experiences. I sat very quietly wanting just to know what I am going to do this week. Finally we were given the new books (one other girl has moved over with me). I couldn't wait to get home and start reading.
Having been so disappointed by the total lack of any packs I like and the fact that I had only had three packs so far I decided to make today day 1. I went to Waitrose and bought a chicken breast. I came home and covered it in salt and pepper and cooked it on the George Forman. I laid the table, first time in months and made a meal of it. It was so moist and delicious. Way better than I had thought it would. I really thought that I would be disappointed by the taste but I loved it and was not bothered by the lack of anything else on the plate. I ate very slowly and enjoyed every bite. I must say that I did eat the whole breast but it wasn't particularly big.
I even enjoyed cleaning and washing up after. Just for the novelty.
I then sat and read through week one of the book and planned out what I would eat this week. I then made up a shopping list which I will go tomorrow and purchase. How exciting!!!
I am meant to be going out for dinner on Thursday evening, well it is a jazz club and it is seated at dinner tables so food is not the main focus. I don't know whether I should go though. It could be too easy to break the rules and at this stage I want more control rather than less. What to do... What to do...
I did something very odd this evening too. I have been having cravings over many many things over the last three months but most recently it was Cheese and Onion crisps. Particularly Taytos from Ireland as I saw them there. When I was walking around Waitrose this evening I bought some. Honest to God, bought a packet of crisps. I haven't eaten them. They are just sitting in the kitchen. I am shocked how easy it was to just buy them. Not that they are a banned substance or anything but I didn't think I would manage to just buy them without stopping myself.
Hmm. Need to think about that one a bit more.
I didn't enjoy the meeting today. Not only did they not have any chocolate packs or new style bars, in fact only old style nut bars, but I felt really lost. Everyone is at different stages and talking about completely different experiences. I sat very quietly wanting just to know what I am going to do this week. Finally we were given the new books (one other girl has moved over with me). I couldn't wait to get home and start reading.
Having been so disappointed by the total lack of any packs I like and the fact that I had only had three packs so far I decided to make today day 1. I went to Waitrose and bought a chicken breast. I came home and covered it in salt and pepper and cooked it on the George Forman. I laid the table, first time in months and made a meal of it. It was so moist and delicious. Way better than I had thought it would. I really thought that I would be disappointed by the taste but I loved it and was not bothered by the lack of anything else on the plate. I ate very slowly and enjoyed every bite. I must say that I did eat the whole breast but it wasn't particularly big.
I even enjoyed cleaning and washing up after. Just for the novelty.
I then sat and read through week one of the book and planned out what I would eat this week. I then made up a shopping list which I will go tomorrow and purchase. How exciting!!!
I am meant to be going out for dinner on Thursday evening, well it is a jazz club and it is seated at dinner tables so food is not the main focus. I don't know whether I should go though. It could be too easy to break the rules and at this stage I want more control rather than less. What to do... What to do...
I did something very odd this evening too. I have been having cravings over many many things over the last three months but most recently it was Cheese and Onion crisps. Particularly Taytos from Ireland as I saw them there. When I was walking around Waitrose this evening I bought some. Honest to God, bought a packet of crisps. I haven't eaten them. They are just sitting in the kitchen. I am shocked how easy it was to just buy them. Not that they are a banned substance or anything but I didn't think I would manage to just buy them without stopping myself.
Hmm. Need to think about that one a bit more.
Monday 19 November 2007
Day Ninety Eight
So, I am back after a most horrible few days. I feel utterly drained and exhausted but have work in the morning.
Food wise, however, for that is what this is for, I managed to stick only to my packs and bars. Although tiredness, emotional wretchedness and a constant unrelenting supply of snacks were giving me many reasons to eat, I did not. I couldn't help but think that if I could get through that without turning to food then I can get through anything. I must remember this lesson - and learn it well.
At one point, when I was feeling totally exhausted, cold and in need of something to stop me from feeling sick I hovered over a slice of soda bread and a banana. I knew it had everything I needed to make me feel better and seemed like a good, balanced, healthy choice. I then was explaining to my mum that if I could justify why I should eat this it would not be a big step before I would be able to justify why I needed the bread with jam, and then how a biscuit would be fine too. But the truth of the matter was that I really needed to go to bed and get some sleep.
I also realised something else. When we were in the hotel over the road getting dinner, as we did each da (I ate a bar), I looked through the menu. I knew for a fact that if I was to choose what I wanted to eat I would not make a 'good' choice. I wanted the steak sandwich with chips, or the spring rolls with chilli dip, or the spicy chicken wings. Not one part of me wanted any of the healthier options. This was important as I am going to my first Route To Management meetings tomorrow night. I need food to be introduced slowly. I need to make choices from a very limited list of foods. Without these boundaries I am going to put a lot of weight on very fast.
Although I have read the blogs and threads on minimins I am still not sure how this is all going to work for me. Tomorrow is Day 99 and Wednesday is Day 100 - but do I start eating tomorrow or wait til Thursday? I guess it'll be up to me. I am going out on Thursday night and will be eating - not a lot and within the boundaries - well, maybe slightly over them, and I think I will have preferred to have experimented with eating at home first. So a couple of days eating slowly and getting to grips with things at home would be a good idea.
I have lost a few more pounds according to my scales this week and I hope it shows tomorrow at the meeting. I want to get down to a BMI of 25 but I am happy with the way I look in my clothes now.
So, I will post again tomorrow after the meeting.
Food wise, however, for that is what this is for, I managed to stick only to my packs and bars. Although tiredness, emotional wretchedness and a constant unrelenting supply of snacks were giving me many reasons to eat, I did not. I couldn't help but think that if I could get through that without turning to food then I can get through anything. I must remember this lesson - and learn it well.
At one point, when I was feeling totally exhausted, cold and in need of something to stop me from feeling sick I hovered over a slice of soda bread and a banana. I knew it had everything I needed to make me feel better and seemed like a good, balanced, healthy choice. I then was explaining to my mum that if I could justify why I should eat this it would not be a big step before I would be able to justify why I needed the bread with jam, and then how a biscuit would be fine too. But the truth of the matter was that I really needed to go to bed and get some sleep.
I also realised something else. When we were in the hotel over the road getting dinner, as we did each da (I ate a bar), I looked through the menu. I knew for a fact that if I was to choose what I wanted to eat I would not make a 'good' choice. I wanted the steak sandwich with chips, or the spring rolls with chilli dip, or the spicy chicken wings. Not one part of me wanted any of the healthier options. This was important as I am going to my first Route To Management meetings tomorrow night. I need food to be introduced slowly. I need to make choices from a very limited list of foods. Without these boundaries I am going to put a lot of weight on very fast.
Although I have read the blogs and threads on minimins I am still not sure how this is all going to work for me. Tomorrow is Day 99 and Wednesday is Day 100 - but do I start eating tomorrow or wait til Thursday? I guess it'll be up to me. I am going out on Thursday night and will be eating - not a lot and within the boundaries - well, maybe slightly over them, and I think I will have preferred to have experimented with eating at home first. So a couple of days eating slowly and getting to grips with things at home would be a good idea.
I have lost a few more pounds according to my scales this week and I hope it shows tomorrow at the meeting. I want to get down to a BMI of 25 but I am happy with the way I look in my clothes now.
So, I will post again tomorrow after the meeting.
Wednesday 14 November 2007
Day Ninety Three
So, sad news today. I am off to a funeral in Ireland. I am leaving tomorrow and will be back on Monday evening. I have not been to Ireland since my Grandmother's funeral which was ten years ago. I feel horribly guilty but I am glad that I have made the decision to join my parents. My Headteacher was great - there really was no problem with me going. At least that is a stress out of the way.
My family really are the traditional - "Ah, you will, go on with ya, you will, you are hungry, you must eat something..' types. So, the foodpacks should be fun! I don't want to find myself in a situation where I am making a scene but I reckon I should be able to just avoid the whole food issue all together.
I've packed my bag and will go into work tomorrow morning just to chase up a few unruly children. I will then pick up my parents and my aunt and go to Stanstead.
I am dreading all of this.
My family really are the traditional - "Ah, you will, go on with ya, you will, you are hungry, you must eat something..' types. So, the foodpacks should be fun! I don't want to find myself in a situation where I am making a scene but I reckon I should be able to just avoid the whole food issue all together.
I've packed my bag and will go into work tomorrow morning just to chase up a few unruly children. I will then pick up my parents and my aunt and go to Stanstead.
I am dreading all of this.
Monday 12 November 2007
Day Ninety One
Week 14 meeting!
Another 3lbs down. Not bad. AND........ our last meeting in Foundation. After a lot of thought I have decided to go straight into Route to Management. The LLC is quite happy with my choice and although she tried to talk another member of the group into going into Development she seemed to see that I had reasoned out my choice.
Now, I know I still have at least 10lbs left to loose. And I know all the arguments about not going into management until you have lost all the weight you want to lose - but I know I am doing the right thing for me. I may change my mind, I will probably make mistakes but right now this is the right thing for me.
So. Another week of abstinence, complete abstinence and then a new meeting next week. From now on my meetings will be on at a Tuesday at 7.15pm. So I have decided that I will pack my gym bag. Go straight from work to the gym and then to my meeting. It'll be much better than going home first. Hurrah!
Feeling very positive about this - hope it lasts!
Another 3lbs down. Not bad. AND........ our last meeting in Foundation. After a lot of thought I have decided to go straight into Route to Management. The LLC is quite happy with my choice and although she tried to talk another member of the group into going into Development she seemed to see that I had reasoned out my choice.
Now, I know I still have at least 10lbs left to loose. And I know all the arguments about not going into management until you have lost all the weight you want to lose - but I know I am doing the right thing for me. I may change my mind, I will probably make mistakes but right now this is the right thing for me.
So. Another week of abstinence, complete abstinence and then a new meeting next week. From now on my meetings will be on at a Tuesday at 7.15pm. So I have decided that I will pack my gym bag. Go straight from work to the gym and then to my meeting. It'll be much better than going home first. Hurrah!
Feeling very positive about this - hope it lasts!
Tuesday 6 November 2007
Day Eighty Five
So, I am in a desperate search of a pattern...
Losses:
Week 1: -9lb
Week 2: -4lb
Week 3: -1lb
Week 4: -2lb
Week 5: -4lb
Week 6: -6lb
Week 7: -3lb
Week 8: -3lb
Week 9: -3lb
Week 10: -2lb
Week 11: -4lb
Week 12: -2lb
Week 13: -1lb
Ok - Can't spot it...
So...
Wk1-Wk4: 16lb
Wk5-Wk8: 16lb
Wk9-Wk12: 11lb
So... The way I see it something isn't right. My LLC keeps saying that the weight loss is constant even if it doesn't show up as being so. By my estimation week 13 should have shown a bigger loss to make up for a slower previous 4 weeks. I have done nothing different for the last 13 weeks. I thought it might be that getting closer to goal could affect it but again the LLC said that is not the case. I'm getting annoyed. Particularly when I read how other people are falling off the wagon, or down right just eating and they are still losing more than me.
Hmmm. Feeling very cheated today. To retaliate I got up at quarter to six this morning and went for a run before getting ready for work. I figured I'd do that on top of usual activity this week to see if it helps. I wish I could put it down to TOTM - but as I have PCOS that is not possible, or at least not predictable.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Losses:
Week 1: -9lb
Week 2: -4lb
Week 3: -1lb
Week 4: -2lb
Week 5: -4lb
Week 6: -6lb
Week 7: -3lb
Week 8: -3lb
Week 9: -3lb
Week 10: -2lb
Week 11: -4lb
Week 12: -2lb
Week 13: -1lb
Ok - Can't spot it...
So...
Wk1-Wk4: 16lb
Wk5-Wk8: 16lb
Wk9-Wk12: 11lb
So... The way I see it something isn't right. My LLC keeps saying that the weight loss is constant even if it doesn't show up as being so. By my estimation week 13 should have shown a bigger loss to make up for a slower previous 4 weeks. I have done nothing different for the last 13 weeks. I thought it might be that getting closer to goal could affect it but again the LLC said that is not the case. I'm getting annoyed. Particularly when I read how other people are falling off the wagon, or down right just eating and they are still losing more than me.
Hmmm. Feeling very cheated today. To retaliate I got up at quarter to six this morning and went for a run before getting ready for work. I figured I'd do that on top of usual activity this week to see if it helps. I wish I could put it down to TOTM - but as I have PCOS that is not possible, or at least not predictable.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Monday 5 November 2007
Day Eighty Four
1lb.. So, no longer need to have a question over the whole Development vs Management argument. At this rate of loss it has to be Development. In fact at this rate I'll not hit goal til next summer!
But, it's a blip, right? I'll lose loads more next week.
Jeez.
But, it's a blip, right? I'll lose loads more next week.
Jeez.
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