Day Six - RtM

This isn't quite what I thought it would be. I am not having a good day. I don't get why my head is so over the place. Well, I didn't get it so I went in search of inspiration or solace - I found Cerulean's blog and read that. It made me feel a little bit better and a little more normal.

The thing is, I really have not done anything wrong. Well, the most I have done wrong this week is have two bars one day. But I feel like I am failing. I feel like I am getting it all wrong. I am religiously keeping my food and mood diary and although I couldn't think why a couple of days ago I can see why now. In fact I think I should get a bigger book. Most of the time - and given that three of the meals a day are food packs - I can't say much more than 'I felt fine' an hour before and 'fine still' an hour after. But today I went a bit crazy.

I decided to roast a chicken today so I could have chicken for the next three days.


........... You, know, this blog bloody helps as I have just had numerous light bulbs go off in my head it is ridiculous...........

I got up at 5am to take my aunt and cousins over to Stansted for my aunt's funeral. I can not go as I don't want to ask for more time off after going a week ago to sit and watch the most horrendous thing I have ever seen. No more detail needed. But I do not think I have processed it all yet. I feel so bad that I am not going. All my family and cousins have gone over. Except my brother but he is in New York so it is harder for him. Leaving them at the airport and me not going makes me feel really quite sick.

I then picked up my best friend to take him to the airport. He is off to Brazil for a couple of weeks - I will miss him not being here. He is on a very nervous trip too and a lot depends on this trip. I am also worried about that.

But... I am one of those people who shelves everything. I don't ever deal with things that emotionally upset me. So it is starting to sink in why I have been so off all day.

I came home from the first airport drop off at half seven this morning and started chopping garlic and herbs to stuff the chicken. I did a load of washing and then had to rush off to do the next airport drop off.

I then came home and spent an hour looking up recipes for, and then making turkey burgers.

After I had roasted the chicken - I took it out to cool and then began to take all the skin off and remove the meat to set aside for my meals. I 'tried' a bit of the chicken. Then tried a bit more and a bit more. The thing is I could only have eaten about one thigh and maybe a leg of chicken in total - without the skin, before I panicked and covered everything up and went to my computer to plan lessons for this week. I didn't have dinner as planned as I had eaten all the chicken I was 'allowed' for the day.

Beyond that I have had a food pack for breakfast, one this afternoon and a bar this evening. So - as I said - I haven't actually eaten more than I should. But the fact that I stood eating straight from the carcass in some kind of crazed meat stupor has made me really angry.

It is only in writing this that I can begin to relate my actions to my emotional state. I was so busy suppressing the emotion and not even allowing myself to acknowledge that I might be upset that I kept myself busy and then tried to stuff food down on top of the upset to quieten it further.

I have then spent the day projecting my anxiety and upset all on the food when I am probably more upset about the funeral and not being there.

But where does that leave me?

1. I must realise that I HAVE stuck to the program today.
2. I have only had 3 food packs (allowed) and some skinless chicken (allowed).
3. I have drunk three litres of water - good.
4. I have helped my aunt and cousins this morning by taking them to the airport making the trip a little easier for them.
5. I helped my friend by taking him to the airport.
6. I did not eat all the chicken - I wrapped it up and put it away.
7. I did not eat anything off plan.
8. It is ok to be upset about not going to Ireland.
9. I have been there - me being there did help whilst I was there. People will understand me not going this time.
10. I must sleep -- lack of sleep makes things worse.


So there we are. Man, that was some Epiphany. And a lot cheaper than therapy. Go me! Just got to read through those ten items a few times so I can go to bed happier.

Also, I must freeze the turkey burgers as I will not be able to have them this week. I have enough chicken for the next two days at least and the burgers will go off if they are not frozen.

So week one of RtM is a bumpy ride. The scales have yet again not budged. My weight appears to be the most stable thing around here!