Day Ninety Eight

So, I am back after a most horrible few days. I feel utterly drained and exhausted but have work in the morning.

Food wise, however, for that is what this is for, I managed to stick only to my packs and bars. Although tiredness, emotional wretchedness and a constant unrelenting supply of snacks were giving me many reasons to eat, I did not. I couldn't help but think that if I could get through that without turning to food then I can get through anything. I must remember this lesson - and learn it well.

At one point, when I was feeling totally exhausted, cold and in need of something to stop me from feeling sick I hovered over a slice of soda bread and a banana. I knew it had everything I needed to make me feel better and seemed like a good, balanced, healthy choice. I then was explaining to my mum that if I could justify why I should eat this it would not be a big step before I would be able to justify why I needed the bread with jam, and then how a biscuit would be fine too. But the truth of the matter was that I really needed to go to bed and get some sleep.

I also realised something else. When we were in the hotel over the road getting dinner, as we did each da (I ate a bar), I looked through the menu. I knew for a fact that if I was to choose what I wanted to eat I would not make a 'good' choice. I wanted the steak sandwich with chips, or the spring rolls with chilli dip, or the spicy chicken wings. Not one part of me wanted any of the healthier options. This was important as I am going to my first Route To Management meetings tomorrow night. I need food to be introduced slowly. I need to make choices from a very limited list of foods. Without these boundaries I am going to put a lot of weight on very fast.

Although I have read the blogs and threads on minimins I am still not sure how this is all going to work for me. Tomorrow is Day 99 and Wednesday is Day 100 - but do I start eating tomorrow or wait til Thursday? I guess it'll be up to me. I am going out on Thursday night and will be eating - not a lot and within the boundaries - well, maybe slightly over them, and I think I will have preferred to have experimented with eating at home first. So a couple of days eating slowly and getting to grips with things at home would be a good idea.

I have lost a few more pounds according to my scales this week and I hope it shows tomorrow at the meeting. I want to get down to a BMI of 25 but I am happy with the way I look in my clothes now.

So, I will post again tomorrow after the meeting.