Day Sixty Two

Huurumph.

I just feel like crying all the time. I really want to be done now. I'm having a constant, unrelenting battle between an emotional and intellectual reaction to this whole experience.

I guess LL would put it in terms of my child and my adult. My child is focused on the end. Waiting for the end like a child waiting for their birthday or Christmas. But then if you knew me then you'd know that I am always counting the days to my birthday (16 days) and Christmas (70 days). But I'm not excited.

I need to focus on the reward. At the moment this feels like a constant trial. I keep thinking about the bad side of everything and not on the fact that I'll be slimmer. Which is the only reason I am doing this. I guess it's because I fear failure. What if I do this and then end up slipping into old habits and slowly putting it back on again? That's what I've always done. But in the meantime I just want to taste food. I am sick and tired of foodpacks. I've not once eaten anything against the rules. At the moment I wish I had, have or will. Crooked Thinking, I hear you cry.

The only good part in all of this is that my adult is in full control over what passes the lips and however hard it is dealing with the emotions I still don't see a point when I'll 'cheat'. Although... I did realise that, being a Catholic and having been at Mass a few times I have received a hosts - but not even I am obsessed enough to consider this a fault.

It is the weigh in tomorrow. If the locum LLC is still running it then I will not stay for the meeting. This will be the first one I have missed. For the last three sessions she has repeatedly made me angry, upset and eager to eat in a reaction to her inane, ill considered and horrendously under prepared sessions. She is good friends with our LLC and usually just does the money taking and weigh in so I am not sure how the usual LLC will react if I tell her how I feel about the last three sessions. However, we are paying a lot for the counselling and not just to listen to someone who wants to project her own personal issues and neurosis onto us.

Thirty Eight Days and counting.